Fragile

But Was It Worth It

You sacrificed your body and gave it up to feel touched by someone you think loves you

Manipulated the mind so you won't have to think "Should I do this"

Constantly wondering what should you do, deciding if you should heal or say fuck it

Worrying about how much fun you can have in order to avoid living a boring life that you fear you will be stuck in

Too scared to know your worth because you know it means forcing yourself to cut ties with the souls ties you depended on for lust and attention

Fearing that you may have to start from square one breaking yourself apart so you can know where all this hurt and trauma came from

Too stubborn to unlearn the things you wanted to believe so badly because it felt like it was the only and quickest way to feel seen

Scared of being lonely so you accept and invite temporary company just for some temporary pleasure but was this temporary feeling of satisfaction worth it?

You wanna be loved so badly that you allow anyone to cut deep scars that you cover up with smiles and submissiveness just to allow them to rip and reopen those wounds

Oh baby when will you ever learn?

Are you scared that you don't deserve the love you pray for?

To be treated so gently and genuinely that your heart melts as you give in to your femininity

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to be held and to know that you have someone to lean on who can take care of you emotionally and mentally

Your insecurities keep you down because you're so willing to submit to anyone who can make you feel something, even if that desire makes you feel uncertain and dirty.

You allow them to touch you in places that make you feel good but when the fun is over and the intimacy is cut abruptly and the lust turns into a nauseous gut feeling and all you are to them is just another body and they are just another soul tied to you. You begin to wonder if it is worth it. Was it?

As your mind ponders the questions

Was trying to live in this fairy tale where you have everything you want for a split moment necessary?

Did it sew back your broken heart that you thought you were fixing?

Was doing this what you were looking for?

Was it worth the limitless access people have to your body?

Was it worth the empty void that never will fill back up no matter how many people you lay eyes on and pray that they can be the ones to fix you?

You know some things and some people aren't worth but it's their comfort and presence that makes you feel the most alive and appreciated

The feeling is addicting

It pumps your heart with serotonin and blinds you from the red flags you train your brain to avoid.

Your fear of loneliness drove you to be around energy where you feel no connection just pure lust

Your fear of loneliness led you to become a slave to your temptations making yourself so available to the people who will leave you alone when they find better

You are such a "live in the moment person" that the consequences don't slip you mind

You find yourself going after person after person hoping that they can one day fill up this hole in your heart and make you forget about anything that ever hurt you

You yearn for presence because you can't stand your own

But listen It's okay to be scared of the thought of being by yourself and not having anyone to fill up emptiness that continues to grow bigger

But have you ever thought of the little girl you once were?

How gentle will you tell her to be with her mind, body and soul?

How protective will you be over her if you know how cruel life can get?

How mad would you be if she allowed anyone to take advantage of her?

You are that little girl

No matter how long you decide to run away she will always wonder how come you never thought you were worthy of?

Why must you turn to people who suck the energy out of you?

Why don't you for once cry In your arms instead of the arms of the people who plant the knife in your back so many times?

WHY WHY WHY

Look in the mirror the girl you tried to run away from

The girl you didn't want to heal because you thought running away from your problems will make you forget about all the shiity things and people in your life

But remember, this little girl will always be apart of you she has always looked up to you

But what would you tell her if you knew the type of future she was heading in?

Would you save her from the nasty people she let in and out her body?

Would you tell her to love herself more, Or would you turn you back away from her and hope for the best?

She is you and you are she

You hurt her chances of self love when you succumb to anything that makes you trade your little bit of happiness for temporary feelings and people

Truth be told you don't like the feeling of clinging on to others to feel happy

All you ever wanted was someone to listen to you and hold you tight forever

Give that little girl a chance to love herself because if she doesn't she will end up like you

Heal that little girl, you've got to because that's what's worth it, right?