Fragile

Well the fun is over

Well the fun is over

Only if I allow it to though

Only if you want it to be over though

It's hard being stronger than my temptations when all I'm used to is the attention that the softness of your hands gives me and the gentleness of your kisses

Must I admit that at some point I wanted to like you the way I thought I should

I wanted to believe that maybe me and you could be each other's puzzle piece but once again I let my delusions beat me to the over-romanticized version of you

I let my sexual desire of how badly I wanted to be touched by you make me so available to you

Oh how I cried hard the first time I wanted to let you go

For a moment you were close to slipping away and how confused was I to know that I never liked you but I still cried so hard that it felt like my soul was being ripped out of me

My heart was squeezing itself in pain

It hurt so much to know that you could have been gone but why did I feel that way if I never really liked you the way I thought I was supposed to?

I didn't like you the way I like him, you didn't make my heart do backflips yet my heart still cried for you

When I had to force myself to know that your absence will one day present in my life I was scared that I will once again be lonely

You were corny in my eyes yet I open my legs for you all because of a kiss that wasn't planned

I thought we could be friends but friends don't help you take your clothes off nor do they know what to touch to make you feel good

You weren't reciprocating enough for me yet I still crave your touch. What? 

It's so weird how you make me feel because I told myself no I would never let you in but I let you in 6 times willingly, consensually, and eagerly

I'm not writing this because I regret it I loved each moment with you I truly did but the lust only satisfied me to an extent and your time seems to be up with me, it's not like you care though

I'm writing this because I'm confused and I laugh because man are you fun but man do you leave me confused

I'm young, free, and sexually empowered but no I don't want you anymore

All I ever want is to be loved correctly but you came at the right time giving me the temporary fun and the temporary pleasure but it's expiring and you're slowly disappearing from my life

But it's fine I'm used to it

But you know what's weird

Sometimes when I place my head on your chest while your arms are around me as you rub my shoulder so slowly, as your breath slows down and your eyes fail to stay open I think to myself is this it?

Is this what intimacy is? if so this is anticlimactic

I don't hate it but I don't love it

Why isn't my heart jumping

Why isn't it exciting

Why do I feel so numb

Why doesn't this feel like how I always dreamt it will be in my head

I can say that I never liked you so many times but the truth is I wanted to, but all you ever left me with is the feeling of feening for your attention

I thought maybe if I carved you into the person I want, maybe I will want you more but I know that it wouldn't make you want me more because we are just buddies who feel inside one another

You not who I want but man maybe if you gave me the attention and connection I want, you probably will be the person I wanted you to be

But no matter how many times I romanticize you, you always remain corny and a piece of meat I let inside

Just another boy toy I could touch on whenever but my soul doesn't crave you

My heart goes numb for you and my lady parts remain dry man how I wanted it to work out but I will never allow it to because you not him

But yet I still cry for you because what if this is the closet to love I will ever have