𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐄

❝𝐒 𝐈 𝐗❞ │𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐦𝐨𝐤𝐞?

The concept of trying to discover yourself is quite challenging, thorny even.

My mother taught me; to love someone, both parties need to know who they really are, be in the realization of who we really present, and be completely ourselves, otherwise we would only fall in love for the reflection of ourselves we find in the other.

Toughest thing I've gone through to discover myself was genuinely, coming to terms with my sexuality.

I always felt dissimilar, making me stand out more than other people around me, something was different. I didn't feel any different myself though, people compelled me to think I was. I grew up under pressure, under judging gazes and disapproving glances, but I wiped them away. My mother was by my side all along. 

She wiped the tears of desperation off my cheeks, she left small kisses on my head and held me by her side all night long whispering encouraging words, she said everything was going to be okay. 

Everything wasn't okay. My mom wasn't here.

Losing my mother at a young age didn't mean I just lost the woman that gave me birth. I lost the woman who made me realize I was normal, my biggest and only supporter, my angel. The support I got from any other person felt like a blurry chant, felt like hallucination, not real, not sincere.

The beeping of the monitor is still ringing in my ears, the vision of the hospital bed becoming clearer by each second. I remember her face looking pale, lifeless, yet she still had so much to teach about life. Until the last weak heartbeat of hers, she was eager to tell, to guide me through this shit-hole, called life.

Her trembling hands slightly pat on the bed, her fragile body wasn't even taking up much space, leaving me lots of place to sit on. My face is expressionless, eyes lifeless, I don't even feel, I'm numb, because I'm too aware. 

We don't have much time left.

I sit down, extremely attentively, making sure not to shake the bed even by the slightest. 

I take a hold of her hand, gently rubbing on it as I look into her eyes deeply. As much as they stay open, I promised to stare into them, a promise to myself. 

Her voice sounds cracky, as she forces the words out of her frail throat, still making sure she's heard, that's my mom. 

"Do you know what you remind me of?" I shake my head, signaling for her to continue. 

She sighs before the plastic device on her nose tickles her, making her giggle exhaustedly before she speaks. "People might hate you, hurt you, insult you, burn you, but they can not destroy you," 

She takes a break, inhales and exhales before continuing. "From your ashes, you will rise again, you know how to resurrect, because you're a strong fighter, aren't you my little girl?" She holds onto my hand and tries to squeeze it with all the power she has left. I don't say anything, my jaw tightens.