One

"every"

And I'll play it over and over again since I can't delete it. If I EVER fall in love, this time it will be with life.

Family line- Conan Gray

Brionny
I woke up most days and found a digitized version of my sexualization. A forever you don't deserve privacy. Landry broke down when I told him about the polaroid's. He broke down when I broke down about how they'd probably be celebrated by my dear ass of an Oberon at my funeral.

Most days I was too cold to consider myself a human being. If anything, I considered myself an enigmatic vampire of sorts, a lover of light. Be it from a bulb, be it from the sun, I'm a lover of light. I'm embarrassed to say this after a suicide attempt, but don't doubt this second fact, I'm a lover of life. A lover of the every. The monotony that comes with a bookworm.

The only insect of value to the intellectual world. The imaginary world of monochrome, of repetition. Though despite this he was intrigued most days. By the ability to build a world within her mind. Her ability to remind herself that indeed, there are so many worlds within our world.

She was an intellectual sophisticate who was often curtained by a shoal of autumn leaves. Lulled by the repetitive sentences, the classic tropes, the colour grading with words. Grey washed scenes of blood. Of immediate why in the world would you do this? Why would you choose to hurt yourself when I can do it better. Do you know that I despise you? And I can hurt you way better. Though we may not exactly be identical, I'm a shadow, a manifestation of all your darkness. 

Next thing I was in the therapist's office. Band aids around my wrists and all.  She smiled at me sheepishly. 

"Tell me all the things wrong with you my love".

"We're not doing anything lesbianish right?"

I said it more sheepishly, more sheepishly than her smile. 

She giggled. And boy, was I happy to be alive. To be the centre of a motherly happiness, even if it wasn't biological.

"My cunt is a curse, my womanhood is a hearse, I'll profound about my profanity, its part of who I am, my eyes are open, yet I can't see light in my future."

"There's nobody that can see light my darling. We only see what it Illuminates. "

I felt silly, but I was glad to get it out. I was naked in some of those polaroid's. Those fucked up polaroid's were I closed my eyes to experience love for the first time then it became my forever hell. My forever ransom. But I lived on. 

I chattered more as if I hadn't try to drown myself in the pool of blood. Chasing whatever perfection, you worshipped in me in heaven. Maybe there the crowd won't use my lies against me. My own body.

How many times have I tried to attain perfection by destroying myself?

How many times have I cried because this is my new forever?

When I got back home, I decided to pack my drawstring bag back to Nervia, the city of glass. The city of reflection and lookalikes. Though, I had cut off all the red and dyed my hair green. Then I cut it into a pixie cut and never looked the same again. Not at least through my bloodshot eyes. 

But not without seeing my best friend.

Nahum.

"More than a father. There's people that regard their children as a second chance at sanity, and I happen to be one of them."