Somewhere Only We Know

So, Why Don't We Go Somewhere Only We Know?

Two weeks passed.

Perrie knew this because she was counting. Whether she meant to or not was irrelevant.

She just knew that today marked two weeks since Jesy had left her alone in a darkness that engulfed her little by little every time she opened her eyes and stared up at her ceiling.

Every time she even took a breath.

All of the happiness she once felt was gone. It had been sucked right from her soul and placed into an unbreakable jar. Nothing could open it. Nothing could force it open, and that was just the reality of it.

The Geordie found herself sitting in bed and scrolling through her gallery of pictures that seemed to never end.

There was a stupidly large amount of images and videos taken of Jesy. Images and videos of Perrie and Jesy together.

Jesy laughing about the dumbest memes.

Perrie in fits of hysterics behind the camera as she recorded bits and pieces of Jesy attempting to cook. (She had a lot of those.)

Ethereal shots of Jesy outside, the sun setting behind her, making her appear as a goddess.

Perrie's goddess.

After looking at loads of these pictures and clips, Perrie found a video that she had never seen.

It was quite long. Well, to her.

It wasn't a normal video of Jesy, Perrie instantly concluded. Jesy was wearing the outfit she had lounged around the house in the day before she took her life.

A deep pain surged into Perrie's throat as she tried to breathe, her eyes becoming glossy when she guessed what the video was. She couldn't cry. She couldn't scream. She couldn't throw her phone across the room and start punching the wall as Jade did. She couldn't try to suffocate herself in the hopes that she would be reunited with her now-dead lover.

All she could do was click on the video and prepare herself for what she was going to hear.

The sight of Jesy's face instantly made a smile dance on Perrie's lips, a silent tear slipping down her cheek.

"So, if you're watching this, that means that I did it."

Hearing her speak those words aloud sparked something in Perrie internally. It made her heart clench and twist itself into a ball, but she tried to pull herself together.

"Jade and Leigh-Anne both have one of these as well, but I don't know how long it'll take them to find it. Yours is the longest, but for some reason, it feels like I have the least to say." Jesy furrowed her brows slightly, Perrie tilting her head almost as if to ask Jesy what she meant. "You're probably confused about what I mean by that, so I'll tell you."

The blonde then grinned, because even when Jesy was gone, she still somehow knew Perrie. She knew the woman like the back of her hand, and that's how it had always been.

"I have the least to say to you because I haven't been able to think of the right words to comfort you. I can't think of words to describe how leaving you is going to make me feel. I can't explain to you how sorry I am. I know it's stupid now because what good will apologizing do, but I mean it. I am so, so sorry."

"Oh, Jes," Perrie whispered under her breath, the Geordie blinking quickly, a few more tears sliding down her cheeks as she sighed shakily.

"I'm sorry that I've hurt you in the worst way imaginable. I know you're never going to forgive me, and that's okay. I'm okay with that. I understand. You have a very valid reason to never forgive me. You can be mad. You can be angry that I did this. You can think I'm selfish. You can want to slap the shit out of me and scream at me. I just want you to know that I love you." A tear rolled down Jesy's cheek, her bottom lip trembling.

"I feel horrible that I'm doing this. It may not seem like it because if it feels so horrible, why am I doing it? I wish I could show you why, but I can't. What I feel, is this numbness. This pain that no matter what I do, never seems to go away. It won't leave me alone, and I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of fighting it. I can't do this anymore, Pezza. I can't."

Perrie screwed her eyes shut and let a small sob leave her mouth, her hands shaking slightly. "I know that we all thought it was gone. That I was okay, but I wasn't. On the outside, I was okay, but on the inside, the pain was still there. It was never fully gone. It just weakened until I thought it wasn't there. I was trying so hard to fight it, but the entire time, it was just slowly spreading and every day was harder than the last. That's just the truth of it. I know I smiled and laughed, but I could only feel happy for those few seconds, and then everything hit me again and I was back to where I was before. I was back to faking it and trying to make everyone around me believe that I was okay."

"Why?" Perrie shook her head, the woman trying to hold her cries in so she could finish the video.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I thought about it. A lot. More than you will ever know." Jesy paused, her eyes shutting for a minute before opening again, a sob passing through the audio on Perrie's phone that made her whimper quietly, "But I couldn't do that to you. It was always about you. I couldn't hurt you like that. I couldn't do it. You are too important to me, and I could never put you through the pain of knowing what I felt. What I had been feeling for so long. I love you too much to break your heart."

"Perrie, you're too good for this world. This world doesn't deserve you, love. You don't belong here. You're so pure, caring, and just such an amazing human being. You don't deserve the pain that you're feeling right now. That's why I'm selfish. I forced you into this position and I am so sorry, angel. I can't apologize enough. I don't know how to say sorry or how much I love you. I just need you to believe me when I say that I will never stop loving you."

The Geordie took a deep breath that sounded almost like a gasp for air, tears freely falling down her face. "I need you to believe me when I say that once you move on from this world, I'll be waiting for you. I'll be waiting with open arms and you can scream at me about how stupid I am if you want to." Jesy continued, a small giggle escaping her lips that made Perrie's heart flutter like never before. "But, for now, you have to keep going. You have to move on and just know that I'll always be with you. No matter what you do, I will always be right beside you. You'll never be alone, Perrie. Never."

"You have so much left to give in this world, and you need to give it. You have so many people that still need you. Our family, our friends. The fans. Leigh-Anne and Jade." Their names were a choked sound, Perrie able to tell that Jesy was trying to hold herself together, but was tearing at the seams.

Simply hanging on by a thread.

"They're going to need you, and you're going to need them. Help each other. Please. If Leigh or Jade falls, pick them back up. If you fall, let them pick you back up. Be there for each other. It's not going to be easy, but one day, you'll stop feeling so numb. One day, you're going to be able to see pictures of me without crying. One day, you'll wake up and feel alright. It won't be soon, but one day, it'll happen. I promise." The Essex native took a breath that shook her body before smiling, fresh tears still moving down her face. "I love you more than you will ever know, Perrie Edwards. Never forget that."

Jesy was right, but that "one day" wouldn't be in this lifetime.

It would be in the next lifetime when Perrie finally could meet Jesy's gaze and smile without a worry in sight.

That day wouldn't come for a very long time, but for some reason, Perrie felt at peace with that.

She felt that things would be okay.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next month. Not next year. Not even in ten years.

Not soon, but one day.