My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 19

I have never been through a breakup before in my life. I've been through a lot of shit, but I feel like this is definitely at the top. 

I feel...empty. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to take care of myself. Ethan was the only reason why I took care of myself. 

God, he was probably the only reason why I am still alive. 

I'm scared I'm going to go down a path that I'm not going to be able to come back from. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do with myself. 

I haven't gotten out of bed since last night. 

Since I've been broken up with. 

I don't want to do anything. 

I want to feel nothing. 

I can't even cry anymore. I cried too much last night and this morning. 

I don't even know how long I've been in the bed for this morning. 

There's a knock on the door. 

I groan softly. I don't want to speak to anyone. 

"Kaitlyn, it's me," Shelli says. "Can I come in?"

"I don't want to talk to anyone right now," I say, my voice sounding terrible. 

"Someone's here to see you."

My heart skips a beat. 

I shoot out of bed and run out of the room to find Ethan standing in the doorway. 

His whole expression changes when he sees me. His eyes are puffy and red and he just looks...terrible. I do, too. 

"Hey," He says softly. 

I nod my head. "Hi."

"Um, listen, what I did last night was a dick move. Can we talk?"

I nod my head again, then walk into the bedroom. I sit down on the bed and he shuts the door behind us as he walks inside. 

"I'm sorry for everything that happened last night," He leans against the door. "I mean, I was super fucking angry and I took it out on everyone. I mean, everyone. God, Kaitlyn, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," I croak, so I clear my throat. "Um, I mean, I approached the situation in a terrible way. I should've been...better at it, I guess."

"Well, I don't know about that," He awkwardly chuckles. 

It's so awkward and tense between us. It seems like we're two strangers who got into an argument and are trying to make up the next day. What happened to us? We've never been like this before.

"So," He continues. "I just wanted to come and apologize."

"Oh," My stomach drops once again. "That's all?"

"Well, yeah. Were you expecting something else?"

"Nope, not at all," My voice cracks as I attempt to stop my crying, but nothing seems to be working. 

"Kaitlyn, come on," He walks over to give me a hug. 

I push him away. "No, that will just make it harder, Ethan."

He sighs. "Alright. Listen, how about we make a deal?"

"What is that deal?"

"I have to go film another movie. How about after I'm done, I come back and we see where we're at? Maybe we can start a new life together."

I can't imagine waiting for a year just for him to come back. But at the same time, I really want to. Things with Ethan just feel...right. I've always assumed that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, but after last night, I don't think that we have that much a future planned ahead for us.