My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 101

"Yeah, I surprised Kurt for his birthday in Italy," I explain to my mom who's sitting down on the couch and sipping some tea.

She stopped by because she "happened to be on this side of town", but I know that's a lie because Kurt and I live in basically the middle of nowhere. I don't mind that she came to visit me, though. I could use the company.

Despite there being a lot of things to be able to do in our house due to how big it is, it does also get really lonely since I'm the only person inside of it. 

My mom gasps. "Aww, how did he react to that?"

I cross my legs, leaning further back into the couch to feel more comfortable. "He was really surprised. He was upset when I had to leave though, but that's how it always is."

"It's difficult not being able to be around the person that you love."

"It's harder than I could've ever imagined," I say. "It's really difficult, but Kurt and I are getting through it. I don't even know how much longer he's going to be able to do it for. He seems pretty sick and tired of all the touring and concerts and playing the same songs over and over again."

"Just make sure you don't pressure him into doing something just because you want him to do it," She takes another sip of her tea, then sets the mug down on the coffee table. "What I mean by that is if he wants to stop touring, then that's great, but don't force him to do that just because you want him to."

I nod. "Okay." My eyes wander around the living room and land on a picture of Kurt, Frances, and I. "You know what's weird? I'm not even her mother, but I miss Frances a lot."

My mom smiles. "You do?"

I, too, can't help but grin, flashing my teeth at my mother. "Yeah, I do."

For majority of my life, I never wanted to have kids of my own because I was nervous of how I would treat them. I'm fine with handling other kids, but having kids of my own terrifies me. 

That was until Frances came into my life. Because she's not my blood-related child, we have a different bond, but I'm still able to have some mothering aspects in her life. She's taught me how to raise a kid and how to care for one, too. I can whole-heartedly say that I do love her. 

I was scared that I was going to treat them like how my father treated me. I thought that I would lose my temper very quickly and take it out on them, which I would never want to do, so my solution was to just not have kids. 

But then I met Kurt and now I can't imagine myself without having kids with him (or at least one). I know that now since I've had experience with children that I would be able to control myself and I could never imagine myself taking my anger out on someone else physically like my father did. 

"Are you and Kurt going to have any kids?" My mom asks.

"I was just thinking about that," I answer her question. "But yes, that's the plan. Probably after we're married, though, and in a place where we'll be able to be actively apart of their life."

"You're meaning a time where Kurt isn't touring?"

"Yes."

"And what about you? Have you been working?"

It makes me happy that she's asking all these questions about my life. It shows that she's interested and actually wants to know about me because she cares. 

But then my mind flashes back to the incident with Eric and how he came onto me, causing me to quit my job and now work as a substitute teacher. The school said that they would reach out to me whenever they needed me, but I have yet to hear from them.