no control

• twenty eight •

gladys

I was back in Hell.

I'd been stranded here enough times that the constant pain and grief shouldn't have even fazed me. It was like my life was the revolving door in a hotel lobby. People came and went. Some returned, some never did. But eventually, they all disappeared.

I thought I could be happy this time. I thought the things that haunted me were finally evaporating.

But here I was again. The pain increased tenfold each time I experienced another loss and I wondered how much more I could really take. How many more times could I glue myself back together and try to create a normal life?

Something felt worse about it this time.

Why would anyone want to murder Bernice? Why would Alyssa kill herself? Nothing made sense.

I cried over their loss, at the empty spaces in the air now where they should have been. I cried at the agony of knowing Bernice's smile or laugh would never fill my world again. I cried for the memories they'd never get to have, mistakes they'd never get to make, joys they'd never experience.

But mostly, I cried mostly for failing to understand.

I needed to know what happened to them.

Somehow, I knew I was somehow to blame. The guilt weighed on my shoulders like steel ropes.

It had to be my fault.

Just like everyone else, the darkness that stalked my existence had taken theirs. My personal curse that stole the life from everyone I cared about.

Sighing heavily, I turned onto my side. I expected to find Elijah peacefully asleep. Instead, his dark eyes were open and focused on me.

The air between us thickened.

His gaze felt cosmic, as if the whole universe floated around behind those little round black holes. Their gravity was pulling me ever closer. I wished they'd consume me already, make this misery end.

Elijah had been gentle but distant since he picked me up from work.

He seemed uncertain how to comfort me. He didn't seem like the type of person naturally inclined for empathy and comfort, but I felt how attentive and sensitive to me he was.

Something kept me from reaching for him, though.

I hadn't hugged or kissed or snuggled against him. Despite my every cell's blistering need to feel him, I forced myself back.

The future was glaring at me straight in the face, like a barracuda in the waters.

Bernice and Alyssa's deaths were reminders. Reminders that no matter where I was or who I was with, no one was safe.

Not even the big bad mystery who plucked my heart strings like a chord. Thanks to me, he now had a mark on his head, too.

The first man I ever loved and I would someday lose him, too.

"Angel," he murmured.

"Elijah." My voice was hoarse, hot tears instantly gathered in the corners of my eyes.