Hard To Remember

Hope

My life... is like a movie... a thriller flick straight out if Hollywood. A jumbled, blurry mess of frantic heartbeats and breathes catching in my throat. Hot streams of anger and sorrow crashing down around me, leaving me... puffy eyed and broken. I live out of spite and desperation...

Every goal I've ever laid before myself has fallen through. A million times over I've tried, time and time again, to save myself with distractions from my home life and goals for my future. That goal has changed rapidly from becoming an art teacher, to being a violinist, a veterinarian, or dead before my 20s. When I turned 18, I was sure I'd do it again soon. End my miserable existence that is. I had contemplated it time and time again and I had just been released after my last suicide attempt. I was frustrated and tired, and I wasnt going to let anything stop me. I started saying my goodbyes by spending time with loved ones... and there she was... to save me again. Kalin. My love. Always there. Always so full of love... and forgiveness. I envy him. I have no such forgiveness left in my heart.

Can you blame me though? The only family I have left is him, my uncle, his wife, and their two kids... Everyone else I lost either to death, circumstance, or I had to cut them off bc they were nothing but reminders of how often and how badly I didnt want to exist anymore. I only have 2 close friends. Kalin and Trish... everyone else has grown distant over the years. Faint memories of the past, living their own lives, becoming more and more like strangers as the years pass. Others I lost because as I pried off the mask, with trembling fingers, they didn't like what they saw, and turned from me. I won't force anyone to stay. In fact, part of me still hopes that everyone will leave me someday, so I have an excuse to try to end myself one last time. That's all it would take. Feeling completely and utterly alone again, with no one to care what happens to me anywhere in sight. To have everyone hate me as much as I think they do, so I don't have to suffer through another day in this body. To find freedom from humanity, and the physical world, through death. They say that as you die, you become at complete peace, feeling nothing but every good chemical in your brain being released so that it numbs any and all pain.

But... as the universe loves to punish me, I still find a reason to wake every day. To see the love of my life, his beautiful blue eyes, his caring stare and gentle touch. Sometimes I feel like he's all I have left.

Did I waste the time I had left with my grandfather, or the dog I had since early childhood, or even my own peice of shit stepfather. Should I have bit my tongue and forgave him for what he did to me and my brother? Should I forgive him for killing himself? I digress, I have no such forgiveness in my heart. Only a pit in my stomach that still twists at the thought of even trying to forgive anyone whose ever hurt me as badly as he did, as my mother did, as my grandmother did, as my stepmother did, as exfriends and exboyfriends did, as that 40 something man in myrtle beach did when I was younger than 10. Shouldn't an empath have the capacity to forgive? I had forgiven family members so many times and had it thrown back in my face every goddamn time. I have said the words "I forgive you, I love you" so many times they've lost their meaning to me.

To the people I have left "I love you" is full of sorrow and clinging desperation, "please say it back's" and "please don't hate me's." I give all the love to those I have left, but never to myself. I've hurt myself more than anyone else, why would I deserve any? So I give it all away til I'm tired and blue in the face. The goals I have these days are centered around giving a better life to those I have left, and making those who've hurt me extremely jealous.. I want them to wish that I would come back to them as intensely as I use to want them to come back to me. That loneliness is enough to stir up desperation for attention so intense, you'd do and say anything in the world just to get it. I have been down that road so many times and rejected that I want to be the one to reject them this time. I want them to know how that feels. To give your all for someone else and have it thrown back in your face. "I don't care, go away, you mean nothing to me."

The very thought makes me want to throw up. How toxic have I become? Why is it that desperate spite is one of the only things fueling me anymore? I live out of spite and desperation... and hope. Hope that someday I can be happy, and have everything that I dreamed of, and to fulfill my goals for once. To make life easier for those I have left. To start over with my own family. To cast aside everything that haunts me and live without the memory of anyone who's ever hurt me... is that too much to ask?