My Tears Ricochet // Alicent Hightower

33. Toxic

Only the young// Rickon Stark out now!!
Haezel ran up to Davina and she clung to her, picking her up. Running her hand through her dark black hair. Davina cradled Haezel to her. Her little Haezel.

"How are you honey?"

"Daeron, Ve and I wanted to make a tree house." Haezel remarked.

"I think thats a great idea." Davina agreed. "You have been spending a lot of time with Daeron."

"Yeah." Haezel agreed.

"We never really talked about... driftmark." Davina remarked. "You know Jace and Luke would never... what happened..." how to say they would never hurt her yet they hurt Aemond. Luke took his eye, unintentionally but still.

"I dont want to see them again." Haezel whispered.

"It really scared you to see that... didnt it." Davina whispered. Haezel nodded. "I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry you saw that." 

"I dont want to see them again. They can stay far away." Haezel whispered. 

"Okay." Davina agreed. "Do you need anything? Can I get you anything? You are safe here. I wont let anyone hurt you. I promise."

"I know I'm safe with you." Haezel assured.  "A cookie though about help." Haezel added.

"A cookie would help." Davina agreed kissing her cheek.

+

Davina was pent up with anger and annoyance and lonely. Alicent saw it, they all did. Davina did a better job of hiding her pain from her children but she isolated herself more. 

Alicent encouraged Davina to get her emotions out. TO write them down so they wouldnt flood her head. Davina sat down at the desk and Alicent put some parchment paper in front of her. 

"I did this when I was young." Alicent remarked. 

"You are still young." Davina reminded her. 

"So are you." Alicent remarked. "You are not an old hag, dont hide away and become a hermit Davina. I know you are healing but I dont want you to lose yourself in your grief." 

"Thanks Alicent." Davina whispered. 

"Anything you need. I'm here." Alicent assured.  Davina stared down at the parchment before she dipped her quill in the ink. She watched it drip onto the parchment before she sighed letting the words flow.

When I'm not in it, I don't remember it. I remember it's bad. I remember the darkness, but it's... different to feel it again. It's the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door. Being inside it again. Feeling it.

Gods Davina hated walking into her chambers. The place she loved Harwin. She needed a new chamber, she needed to not be there and remember him, see him in every shadow. It brought back the darkness again and she didnt want to be a shell of herself for her children. They needed her. 

When the episode starts, it can be slow at first. An intrusive thought of "I don't wanna be here," but then it's gone. Seeing Vaera and Haezel, watching the kids run around getting back to normal again. And I forget. I forget for a moment and that hurts too. Like I'm getting on with my life and he doesnt have a life to live. How could I move on? 

Davina shoved her parchment back a tear dropped to the table. Maybe this wasnt a good idea. She felt sick again. She felt sick constantly. She figured it was the loss of Harwin. The uncertainty of the future. She had to bat it away like a fly buzzing around her she needed to keep going, she couldnt push it away. Couldnt push away her feeling, bury them.