i began to forget.

one/ unloveable•

I began to forget what it meant to live. I forgot things. I forgot that I used to feel alright. I forgot what it felt like to be alright because I felt like shit all the time and I couldn't remember what it was like before.
People take the feeling of full for granted, the feeling of steadiness of hands that do not shake, heads that do not ache, throats not raw from bile and small rips of finger nails forced to haste to the gag spot. Stomachs that do not begin to wake up in the middle of the night, calves and thighs knotting and muscles that are beginning to eat away at themselves because of a malnourished body. They may or may not be awakened at night by their own explicable sobs.
Here she am wishing she was someone else, because who she is just isn't good enough. Never did she think she would be this girl standing in the mirror scared to show the real her because she's afraid afraid. She's afraid that people won't understand her, afraid that they won't accept her.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so what does one do when she's on her own and she looks in the mirror and the only words she can come up with to describe herself are negative.
UGLY. FAT. HIDEOUS. DISGUSTING. UNWANTED. UNLOVEABLE.
The list could go on, but when she's around other people the mask she wears is put back on and there's no time to show the real her, because the person she's shown to everyone is the person they accept, the one they understand, the one they think is alright and lives a normal life. Little do they know this is the same girl who is so scared to show the real her, because she's so afraid she will never be loved.
A feeling she craves; the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being loved.
She cries a lot and for many things like sad movies or failed test results, abandoned dreams and songs that remind her of the past. Stupid things too like past loves that are no longer and all the problems she's created for myself in her head. Recently what she's been crying about most is herself, the person she used to be and lost and the person in the present with no clue about her future..