i really need it to be a love story

001 - I'm always in that house.

I'm always in that house. I'm always in that room. Always on that bed. I cannot wait until my skin is renewed, when I will walk around no longer being someone that he touched. Why did I always say yes? Why did I always just do what he wanted, even though I knew I didn't want to. It's tricky because I never said no. I never gave him the chance to do something forcefully. But was I still taken advantage of?Did he see my devotion how I would've done anything he asked, did he abuse that power? I can't remember it without wanting to hurt myself, without wanting death so I wouldn't have to ever relive it. But I don't just want death, that's too simple/ I want to inflict it on myself. I want to take the rage that's buried within me and take it out on myself. I'm the reason I still feel this way, it's my fault I let it happen. I could've said no, right? He didn't do anything wrong, he always tried to make sure I was okay. He apologized when it got too bad. I shouldn't feel this way about it because I'm not a victim, right? Every time I think of him, no matter how good the memory, my brain is flushed with snippets of what would happen behind that bedroom door, I feel disgusting, I feel ashamed. Why would I let myself do that?