I feel like I'm being abandoned. I feel like he's picking Max over me. I'm still trying to rationalize the situation. So it feels like my brain is fighting itself. I'm tired. I just want to be home. I just want to sit on a comfy chair warm next to a fireplace or stg with a hooded blanket around me and on my head. I just want to be at peace. I want to feel something but I'm tired of hurting. I don't feel anything and I'm tired of being numb. I'm tired of being sad and lonely. I feel so cold. I wanna be warm. I wanna sleep. I'm tired of fighting, tired of not saying anything. I'm tired of work and tensions and judgmental gazes. I'm not quite tired of living yet. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to make it better. Rn all i can think of is waiting for felix. He's not coming. He can't leave his friend. He won't leave his friend. Am I not good enough? I am. He loves me. I love him. It's complicated. I want to be fifteen and stress over exams again. I wanna be afraid of the spider in the room and sleep with Ri. I want to sleep. I just want quiet.i want it to stop fucking spinning. I want to be loved. Deeply. I wanna be home. Why can't I go back? Why can't I find it? Have I ever even been home? I wanna stop crying but I feel like crying. I feel like covering myself in a blanket and never come out I want the world to stop turning. I wanna get in a shower and stay there for as long as my skin can handle the heat. I wanna breathe. I wanna be okay. I want to truly live. I want to travel. I want a cat. I want my home.
Dec. 8-9 2022
YOU ARE READING
I can't carry this anymore
RandomLetters from me to me going deeper and deeper into depression. Mentions of selfharm and maybe suicide later on. If you're hurting and don't want to feel alone, this might be for you. I just want to get it out a little. Cover not mine
