Under The Eternal Blue

The Patterns in The Cycles That Help Us Learn

Most times it feels like I’ll never be able to escape the ever winding cycle that is my life. A glorified wind-up toy is what I am.
Wake up, work, sleep. Wake up, work, sleep. Wake up, obsess over childhood love lost, work, sleep. Not as monotonous as I thought. Except that it is.

Monotonous is what most people do. Just depends on the kind of monotony. Having successful co-workers makes my life feel monotonous. Outgoing neighbors make me feel monotonous. Good looking passers-by make me look monotonous, in the mirror. It’s possible I might not be my own biggest fan, hence the bias.

Silence therefore, is the true enemy. Silent monotony. The rest of the world is just better at pointless resistance than I am.

“When are you getting married?”

‘I’m not ready to commit to a new form of monotony.’

Translation: ‘I haven’t found the one yet.’

That or she hasn’t found me. Maybe she still has a lot of monotony on her plate and isn’t ready for more.

How the hell should I know why I’m so unappealing? My award-winning attitude? People tend to like it or so they say. Maybe it’s just one of those monotonously nice things people think other people like to hear.

My friend Mark, revels in being nice. He nicely forced me into being his friend is more accurate. Then nicely for—invited me to his other friend’s wedding.
And now here I am, watching him revel in his craft among the bridesmaids as I sit here alone, nicely—done, Mark. Nicely done.

This is why I prefer remaining in the safety of my thoughts. From here, I can judge the world and it would be none the wiser. Case in point, the happy couple. Truly, the sound of their happiness was akin to the cries my puppy made when it was run over. Sounded like it knew where it was headed, didn’t want to leave but it knew it had to anyway. It got up, took a piss and just lay back down, dead.

Perhaps there aren’t any bathrooms in the afterlife, who knows right?

Here I was, witnessing an agreement between two people vowing to face inevitability together. The thought was quaint. The idea just didn’t seem as grand as they made it look.

‘One day,’ my dark side speculated, ‘I’ll have to convince someone to face inevitability with me.’

‘Who in their right mind would say yes to such a horrifying proposal?’

That’s right, people in love. And love is a virus that eats the brain. Probably makes you piss before you die too. And it’s smart, love. Makes you think your brain had nothing to do with it.

‘It wasn’t me; it was your heart, mate!’

‘Sure it wasn’t. Question is, where were you, when all this was happening?’

‘The heart wants what the heart wants, mate. You know that.’

Love isn’t blind, it’s calculating. Makes you forget the world was spinning before you met her. Makes you forget that it still does, even now. Even now when--

‘Not your kind of scenery I take it,’ raising her glass as her eyes darted in a circle to show me what she meant.

‘Here? Oh no I love weddings. The joy, the people, the kids! Oh, don’t get me started on the kids,’ I rambled.
Strange I couldn’t tell she had been sitting here for a while.

‘Ever heard of the expression; too much sarcasm?’

‘I mean, can we ever really have enough?’

‘You’ve been oozing a lot of gloom you know, that’s why I’m here.’

‘And let me guess, you’re here to shut it down.’

‘Actually, I’m here to join you,’ she grinned. A familiar cologne. Approaching footsteps.