Those Ocean Eyes

Chapter 41

Cassie's not entirely sure why, but the sex just keeps getting better, and it's not like it was bad to begin with - not even close. Maybe it's because Rachel's more confident, or maybe it's because Cassie's slowly learning to relinquish control, to shut up and let Schwimmer touch her on her own terms, instead of trying to keep the intimacy at a level she's comfortable with. She can actually watch the myriad of expressions on Rachel's face without wanting to run for the hills now, because when she does, she realises that she's not the only one who's in over her head. Schwimmer's drowning, too, and when she looks up at Cassie with those emotive brown eyes that give away far too much, Cassie realises that Rachel's terrified of this blowing up in her face, too. The only difference is that Rachel's willing to fight for it regardless, and Cassie's still too afraid of taking the risk. She just hopes Schwimmer never gets to the point where she realises that it's safer to feel nothing, than everything all at once.

When Rachel collapses into her arms, gasping for breath, Cassie presses a kiss against her forehead.

"So... are you ready to be the talk of the town tomorrow?" she ventures, "You know everyone's going to be gossiping about us after that stunt you pulled last week, right?"

"I can handle it," Rachel assures her.

"I don't know, Schwimmer. NYADA's rumour mill can be pretty inventive – and unforgiving," Cassie warns her. "We're not just talking 'Rachel is a teacher's pet' here. There are going to be a lot of assholes making a lot of unsavoury remarks."

Rachel starts to laugh, and Cassie regards her suspiciously.

"What?" she demands, and Rachel shakes her head.

"Nothing! It's just... that sounds like a regular dance class to me, that's all," she admits, and Cassie regards her in outrage.

"Are you calling me an asshole?" she demands, and Rachel giggles, regarding her impishly.

"I'm just saying, if I survived you, I can survive anything."

"Oh, I get it," Cassie says, pulling away in mock offence, "You're secretly glad to see the back of me, aren't you?"

"No!" Rachel protests, tightening her grip on Cassie's waist. "I'm just... I'm tougher than you probably think." She hesitates, ducking her head. "You were wrong, you know? I wasn't a big star back in Ohio," she admits quietly, and Cassie clutches her chest in feigned surprise.

"What? Say it isn't so!" she exclaims, but then she sees Schwimmer's downcast expression, and feels bad for mocking her.

"Go on," she coaxes, giving Rachel a gentle squeeze.

"I was more of a... laughing stock. People hated me. They threw slushies in my face, drew pornographic pictures of me in the bathroom stalls, defaced my yearbook photos. None of them appreciated my talent. I mean, it wasn't just me, Kurt had a terrible time of it, too – he even had to change schools at one point – and I guess I should be grateful that they never actually tossed me in a dumpster - "

"What the hell kind of school did you go to, Schwimmer?" Cassie interjects, looking aghast, and Rachel chokes out a hollow laugh.

"It wasn't all that bad," she hastens to clarify, "I had Finn – my boyfriend - and being in Glee Club was amazing, but even then, they resented me for getting the majority of solos. I thought it would be different here, that maybe I'd fit in more, but I guess... I guess I'm just not a very likeable person," she concludes, and Cassie feels utterly helpless, because how can she convince Rachel otherwise when she's spent the past five months reinforcing all of her insecurities?

"Well, you might be an acquired taste, Schwimmer, but you've definitely grown on me," Cassie eventually concedes, and Rachel attempts a small smile.

"It's OK. I knew a long time ago that the road to success would be a lonely one. People have started being a little nicer to me since I won the showcase, but I know they're not really my friends. All I have now is Kurt... and Brody, I guess."

"And me," Cassie wants to tell her, because she knows what it feels like to be utterly alone in this world,"You have me." She can see that Rachel desperately wants her to say it, too, but she can't make that kind of commitment. Not yet. She just holds Rachel a little tighter instead, wincing when she feels a tear trickling down her collarbone.

She realises, then, how badly she's misjudged Schwimmer; that Rachel isn't just some popular little Princess who's had everything handed to her on a plate. Sure, her parents are probably paying for her tuition and they've obviously mollycoddled her to within an inch of her life, but Schwimmer's walking proof that money can't buy you love.

"Anyway," Rachel announces, failing miserably in her attempt to sound upbeat, "What I'm trying to say is that I'll be fine." She pulls away from Cassie's embrace, sucking in a sharp breath when she sits up. "I should probably go now, though. My classes start at nine and I could really use some time to catch up on my sleep."

"OK..." Cassandra says slowly, because she doesn't really know how else to respond.

"Would it be all right if I... if I came back later on this week?" Rachel asks, and Cassie's heart melts in the face of her obvious uncertainty.

"Give me your phone," she says, holding out her hand, and then she programs in her number, ringing her own cell so she has Schwimmer's stored in there, too. "I'll call you, OK?" she assures her, and for some strange reason, Rachel looks like she's about to cry.

Cassie frowns, reaching for her clothes so she can get dressed and see Schwimmer to the door, but Rachel holds out a hand to stall her.

"You don't have to get up," Rachel assures her haltingly, "I can post the key through the letterbox."

Cassie shrugs, and she watches Rachel edge out from under the covers, hastily retrieving her clothes from the floor.

"OK, well... I guess I'll see you later, then," she ventures, and Rachel nods, offering her a strained smile.

Cassie flops back down onto the bed, but then she sees the dejected set of Rachel's shoulders, and it eats away at her to the point where she starts mentally replaying their entire conversation, trying to figure out where the hell she went wrong. Maybe her "I'll call you" remark was too flippant? Maybe Schwimmer thought she was blowing her off? And this... this is exactly why she doesn't do relationships. Too much drama and soul-searching and over-analysing and just... gah.

"Hey, Schwimmer," she calls, and Rachel turns around, regarding her hopefully. "Wicked's opening in a couple of weeks and I still have that spare ticket. Do you want to come with me?"

The transformation in Rachel's demeanour is instantaneous, and Cassie gets her answer when a squealing bundle of joy hurtles towards her, engulfing her in a crushing bear hug, which Cassie readily returns.

"I'll take that as a yes, then," she says wryly, laughing when Rachel pulls back to regard her with a look of wide-eyed wonderment.

"Are you serious? I would love to," she enthuses, and then she grabs Cassie's face, kissing her passionately on the mouth, "Thank you so much. Kurt's going to be so jealous, you have no idea."

Cassie's not used to finding someone's happiness contagious – irritating, yes; even occasionally nauseating, but definitely not contagious. Still, she doesn't stop smiling until the front door swings shut, and then she potters aimlessly around the house, trying not to dwell on how cold and empty it feels now that Schwimmer's gone. She makes herself a cup of green tea, and then flops listlessly back onto the bed, making a grab for her phone when it vibrates against her bedside table.

"I'm not going to say I miss you already, because that would probably freak you out, but I just wanted you to know that I had the best time this weekend xo."

Cassie mulls over her reply for a full fifteen minutes, casting aside several facetious remarks before finally texting back, "Glad I could be of service. And I miss you, too, kid. Sleep well x."