Words Of Silence

Stage 1= Drowning

My family makes me feel like a ocean
Only beautiful only enjoyable
When I'm watered down
-growing up with ADHD

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Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning

It's sudden it hits me like a wave shoving me underwater

I'm trying to breath
Trying to swim

But I'm stuck

Sometimes my body feels heavy
But empty at the same time
Like I'm carrying the weight
Of everything I lost

Sometimes all I can bring myself to do is sit under my desk and stare into nothing
I don't want to write
I don't want to talk
I don't want a hug
I want to not exist for even just a moment

I want to scream, scream as loud as I can punch the wall smash some glass
So you can see
How much damage you have caused
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I don't feel like me anymore
I feel like the kid you assaulted
And nothing more

Sometimes breathing reminds me of you
Cause we both breathe

I can't escape it
I never can

I've tried
I've sprinted

But I can't get away from it
Because u won't fucking admit it

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Merry Christmas
I hope you have an excellent time at my grandparents house

20 minutes away from me
23 kilometres distance
Between me and the hands that wrongfully stole my innocents

I know you have to be thinking of me
My pictures are up at your parents house
I'm unavoidable
I hope all you get for Christmas is overwhelming
Inescapable
Guilt

For turning a sweet kid into a problem
An annoying
A depressed
A mentally I'll
A unfocused
Problematic
Lazy
Lifeless
Corpse that's somehow walking

I hate who I am
I love who I could have been

If you didn't mold my mind with knives
Instead of gentle hands

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I wonder who I would have been

If you didn't push me on a diffrent track

I was athletic
I was in dance and sports
I was smart I had wonderful grades
I was mostly well liked

Yes I'm comparing myself to someone not even in second grade

Cause I was on the right track
Although I endured trauma I forgot what it was

I wonder who I would have been if you didn't mold me into a different person every holiday when your hands touched me instead of Christmas presents

I wonder who I would have been if you didn't fuck up my development

If I hadent spent middle years in hospital
If I didn't have to fight to simply live
If I didn't have to ghost my family

If I wasn't mentally I'll
If I didn't have adhd
If I was everything I could have been
Before I was molested as a kid 
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