Words Of Silence

Stage 3= healing

Family history
U can try and forget it, try to pretend she doesn't exist. Pretend she is not living her life completely fine. U can try to never say her name again until one question snatches u out of ur shell
One question my doctor asks makes my heart drop to my feet explode,

Each letter the closer i get to vomiting, even my  pen feels like it's writing a slur doctor thank u for reminding me for the rest of my life I'll have to write a child MOLESTORs name on my family history

C- couldn't u have stopped it from happening
A- am I ever going to be okay
R- remembering how dirty my body feels
R- reliving the worst times of my life
I- I wish I were dead
E-even the people u trust the most could do what she did

Learn from it
Protect your kids

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I love my parents

Believe me I do
But a love like theres is not what I'm searching for

I've watched my mother shrink
When dad enters a room

so he can take up more space

The same way we grew up shrinking emotions to protect his temper

She doesn't sing in the car
When he's there

He's a critic he can't see all that's wrong
But is blind to the smudges in the mirror

Love is more then shaping yourself
To your partner

Love is just fitting
Even if it's not perfect

Love is honesty
Love is holding them accountable
Love is kind words
Love is you
But maybe it shouldn't be

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To the silent child
I know you hear your a problem a lot
You hear it at school and st home cause you don't act like a normal kid

And everyone thinks your some asshole
Instead of a little kid angry at the world
They don't question
The signs you were assaulted
But their angry at them
They think your annoying
Aggressive
They see it as a inconvenience instead of a symptom

Silent child I believe you
I know your hurting
And your scared
Confused
And you have constant weight from the secrets your forced to keep
Like constant backpack full of rocks

I want you to screem I want you to be as angry as you want to be because
You have every right
To hate this world
To hate what was stolen from you

You were a flower ripped out of the ground
But everyone still expected you to grow

And we're mad when you didn't

Little one I promise this wasn't your fault
Theirs nothing you could have done to deserve what happened to you

This isn't your fault

And I know they told you to be quiet
But speaking up doesn't make you the bad guy

I want you you scream at the top of your lungs what happened to you

And I want to tell you how sorry I am
Your roots were pulled before you could even bloom
So many experiences lost
Innocence stolen
So much no one could see

Theirs a lot behind a silent child like you and me

—————————————————————

It's been 254 days
Since I used all the strength I had left and reported it to the police
It's been 254 days since I ripped off the duck tape that was keeping me silent since I was 5
I think back to me 500 days ago
They would be so proud of me
They wouldn't know how I did it
Or how I got the courage to speak up
About Everything I went through
And yet I'm here
Still here

—————————————————————

Just because you lived
Doesn't mean it didn't almost
Kill you

—————————————————————

You persevered through situations u shouldn't of gone through

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To the angry oldest sibling
A letter from the youngest
In sorry I judged you so heavily
I'm sorry I saw your anger
As a weapon instead of repressed sadness
I can't imagine the pain you felt
Seeing siblings come along
With there roots gently planted in the dirt
Seeing them get water with kindness and affirmation
But you were thrown in dry dirt
You seen no gentle
Felt no kindness
You were the only  one out of all four of us
Who felt the weight
Of being a dumping ground
For our parents anger
Sometimes I sit and reflect
I think about all the anger I held for you
All the times as child your words made me feel like I should discontinue
And then remember
You were a little boy thinking
It was your fault
Because you were the only one
Who saw punches to that degree
And I then I think to myself
How angry you must have been at the world
At this family
At yourself
And if that anger
Was sometimes thrown at me
It was nothing compared to
What you Barried deep
I know you still think our parents did the right thing
You say that you deserved it
You say I should be beaten for the way I act
And brother I want so deeply to hug you
Scream at you it wasn't your fault
No child could do anything to deserve what you were put through
But I know one day you will hold a baby of your own
Or a niece or nephew
And you will think
How could anyone hurt them
And that will remind you of him

—————————————————————

I'm sure many people are wondering
Would I still have reported it
If I knew I wouldn't get justice

What is justice?
I think justice is when your healed enough from your trauma that what they did doesn't controls your life
Justice is freeing yourself from the silence u were born in
Justice is telling your family
Justice is when the police told you they believed you
Justice is poetry
It's crying
It is loud
It is  chaotic
It looks like anger
It looks like nothing
It looks like depression
Justice is having no regrets despite the darkness of the investigation
Justice is messy and confusing
It is something you create for yourself
Justice can be a jail cell
But your rapist doesn't have to be in jail
For you to feel the full affects of justice
Justice is surviving
If the justice system can't give me justice
I'll have to

There's a different between security and justice, security can happen when your abusers found guilty in court

But you can live without security if you have to
But
You need justice
You need to survive

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For so long I hated you
You were the part of me I was the most ashamed of

I saw you as annoying
The way you would take control and scream and cry
When I was in a flashback and I regress into you
It's terrifying
It's embarrassing

That's what I thought for so long
But honey
I'm listening

You can scream
You can ball your eyes out
I'll hold your hand

Your terrified about what happened to you
And I squeeze ur small fingers and speak for you

I say the words you were to silenced you speak of

And in the moments your presents bothers me
I remember you are the strongest part of me
You lived through the terror
I only faintly remember
Your with me because you have so much left to say
You will always be with me but one day you will a part of me instead of hiding beside me

Your not just an inner child
Your my inner strength
You were a child surviving
What almost killed me