Kashi

3. 2014

❝Hope––a mighty evil feeling to exist!❞

4th April 2014

How was I supposed to console someone when even I needed the assurance that everything was going to be okay?

Everything needed to be fine. I didn't have a choice to not be okay.

Only a few minutes had passed since I sat by the window seat of the crowded train and my eyes still fixated on the two upset faces outside, standing in the middle of the animatedly rushed station. Even though I was strong enough to not let the storm of emotions and fear tickle down my eyes and shine across my own masked appearance, still, seeing the mist forming in Maa's usually warm--now tired--eyes, it was a battle to sit frozen and not approach her.

She hadn't said a word after our dinner interaction two days back, not a single grumble or reasoning in the past forty-eight hours. Nor did I try to weigh any other options or even reach out to her. Had I stepped onto any bubbling conversation, Maa would've created a reason justifiable enough for me to throw soil over my plans. Somehow, deep within, we both knew Kashi was a journey I needed to make, and the more I delayed, the sure were chances of losing myself into a tempting embrace of fallen addiction.

Even the pleasant early morning wind didn't help in subduing my nerves. The soft blow that always carried so much comfort while rising from the ocean and blanketing the coastal houses, or the early risers like me who found the epitome of heaven midst walking barefoot in early dawn hours, letting the wind lead my path. This morning, even the wind was bland and full of grief, as if all the ease that I so passionately craved had been vacuumed and emptied by the coasts only.

I tried seeking certainty from the continuous outburst of noises in this general compartment of the train. Howrah as usual was crowded with varieties of presence, both inside the train and outside on the ever-stretched platforms. Some crawled on the berths whenever a new face strolled, in an attempt to keep the seats reserved for their known ones. A few went as far as igniting a fight when their frustration spiked over not finding any more empty spots to sit.

The first time I travelled in this exact spot, I remember I had been amused by the scenes unfolding. The fights, the bitter banter, the hustle to take even a quarter of the seat, those annoyed profanities, impatient words--they entertained me.

Now they only forced me to face the blunt, sharp-edged mirror of struggle. The day-to-day struggle that each one of us did in one way or another. In the dark, in the light. The flimsy line of black and white.

Aren't we all a little bit decayed?

I found myself staring out of the window again. Deepti stood out among the crowd, her arm draped around Maa's shoulder to hide that occasional shakiness from me. I couldn't go out and comfort any of the two. So, I stay rooted and forced a small smile on my face, which only my sister mirrored. Maa still had the blend of many emotions flashing across her face. Fear, anger, disappointment, hope, sadness. Everything!