Reputation |jack hughes

chapter sixteen

Depression is a bitch
You cant escape it
The first week is just denial, like 'oh, im only tired because i didn't have enough sleep' or 'im not hungry anymore cause i already ate enough' even though after two bites it feels like you are gonna throw it all up.
And then it hits you.
The realization.
And then you're fucked. Cause when you do accept it, the thoughts of ending it all never fucking shut up.
And the nights, oh dear god help me, the nights are the worse.
Cause the second it gets dark, the lights are out. Those thoughts of slitting your wrists become louder and louder and knowing that the blade is only four feet away from you.
And it will all stop. All the noise, all the pain.
But you know you cant do that to your family, you love them too much and they dont deserve that type of pain of finding me in a pool of blood.
I dont deserve them.
And there is always that voice in the back of your head saying 'give into that urge, and then you'll stop'
And then you have given into that urge for two weeks every night. And that voice doesn't quit down, it gets louder and louder each night.
Finding new places to cut so no one would notice it even more then they already can.

And every time depression comes back, you dont know how to get out of it.

And now its the morning, i should be getting ready for school. But i can get out of bed.
Theres a knock on my door.
Trevor.

"Dude, come onnnn. We have to leave like right now" he says as he opens my bedroom door.
"Im not going" i whisper from under the bed sheets and pausing my music from my airpods.
"What. Why? Is everything okay?" He asks and walks over to me.
"No, just go to school. Im not going" i say and turn away from him so he doesn't see the dried up tears on my face.
"Hey. Hey, what happened" he asks and tries to peel the sheets away from my face.

The great thing about my big brother is that i can tell him everything and anything. From my first kiss to when my period starts.
So, i have always trusted him with this type of stuff.

"Its back" i say quietly
"What is"
"The thoughts"
And he goes quite for a moment. Silent.

"Ohh. Wren, if there is anything i can help you with you know im here. Always. So just... i dont know what to do" he says and lays next to me and hugs me as another round of tears start to run down my face.
"All i need is to be alone right now, trev" i say as nicely as possible so i doubt hurt his feelings.
"Did you do it again?"

I start balling my eyes out.
"Im sorry, im so sorry" i say as a lump forms in my throat.
"You have nothing to be sorry about, wren. I would usually say that i get it. But i dont, and im so sorry" he hugs me tighter

"I know"
"Okay, im gonna tell mom that you..." he says but i cut him off
"Please dont tell her. Not yet" i start to panic
"I wasn't going to tell her, so calm down. I was going to tell her that you are heartbroken over some dude, and she'll understand"
"But im not"
"I know i know, but you cant just not go, she needs to call the school, so this doesn't ruin your attendance"

"Thank you"

Thats all i say. And then hes gone.
And im back to my horrible, dark bubble.
___________
A/n.
Im sorry this chapter is not only really short but also pretty dark.
But i cant say those words out to anybody, so all i could think of was to write it out.
And thanks to me, wren and i are kind of the same.
I have so many things planed for this story, but i dont have the energy to make myself a meal, let alone write a cute chapter about two teenagers falling in love, when im falling apart.