Never Fade From Me (The Life & Times of River Song & The Doctor)

Goodbye Sweetie

"The Doctor doesn't do goodbyes, he dosen't like endings..."

River had often said this, in a blunt unapologetic, solemn tone, when she was alive and she believed she had known the Doctor better than anyone else in whole Universe, well most of the time but no one could deny that she had loved the Doctor passionately with fierce loyalty and blind devotion in a way that no one else ever could and this all-consuming love continued even after death. And she had forgiven the Doctor even though he had abandoned her like a book on a shelf in the biggest library in the Universe and he never came to visit. But River wasn't just going to simply fade away. So what did this extraordinary woman do? The data ghost actually became a ghost and somehow by sheer bloody will power alone she left the confinements of her virtual world. The book Wuthering Heights had always been a particular favourite, she had visited it in the virtual world, so like Cathy she haunted her love because the psychopath inside her didn't know what else to do. River never stopped watching over her Doctor. Whenever she had the chance, she had stalked the Doctor, via physic links to Madame Vastra and his other friends. River had invited herself to many of their conferences and even the wise Vastra hadn't suspected she was dead. And then there had been those precious and very rare occasions where she had even been able to follow the Doctor on some of his solitary adventures but then when Clara joined him it had hurt too much to see another girl travelling in her mother's place. So the years went by and River continued to exist in the perpetual hope that the Doctor would see her again, one last time but of all the times she had followed him, River had always assumed that she was a ghost to him, never once believing that the Doctor suspected her presence, but then everything changed at Trenzalore...

The Doctor and his friends were in deep trouble but even beyond the grave River had managed to help them. Trenzalore was the Doctor's final resting place but nothing was ever that simple with the Doctor, for this was no ordinary grave but his time stream, an open wound across time, right in the centre of his dying TARDIS which he was about enter to rescue Clara. It was a terrible and helpless feeling that day to be on the sidelines, outside of the action, when many times River had been at the centre of everything. River had raged passionately, in that moment forgetting she was a ghost and then she did what she had always done when her husband wouldn't listen to reason and resorted to violence as she rose her hand to slap him and save him yet again by knocking some sense into him. So it came as an almighty shock to feel the Doctor's hand around her wrist but that tantalizing physical contact was nothing compared to the moment when the Doctor turned his head and looked straight into her eyes. Time stood still, the urgency and danger melted away and River remembered what is was to feel alive as she felt his beautiful eyes upon her, in that frozen moment she was the only person who mattered to him most in the Universe and how his eyes ached with longing to see her, shining sadly with so much passion, ancient but so much like a child at the same time.

"How are you even doing that?" River had gasped with wonderment.

"You're always here to me. And I always listen. And I can always see you." The Doctor replied with heartfelt simplicity.

River was utterly stunned for even after all this time that impossible and infuriating man could still take her breath away with all the amazing things he could do, there was no time to feel hurt and angry, to process the startling knowledge that the Doctor had always been able to see her ever since she had escaped from the virtual world. River vaguely remembered the Doctor saying something about it hurting him too much but his selfishness didn't even touch her and before River knew what was happening, the Doctor had placed his hand on her quivering face and they were kissing...

River stood on the edge of the precipice, vaguely aware of the wind rippling through her clothes and hair, she wasn't too sure why she had ended up in this place, maybe it was because it reminded her of a planet that she and the Doctor had once visited where something very special had happened but one moment she was in Trenzalore and the next she was back in the virtual world, River couldn't be certain how long she had been standing here because time flowed in this world at a different pace but all at once it felt like it could have been minutes, hours, days or even years ago as River balanced on the edge trying to remember the exact moment when she had left the Doctor but it was hard to think straight when she could still feel their kiss, it kept her alive as it pulsed through her body, her heart had kept time with his two hearts which in itself was strange to still feel. But it had been a miracle, a beautiful dream, as their kiss deepened and River had unashamedly drank his love, the man she had been missing for so many years gave her every bit of himself in that moment. But she had waited a long time for that kiss, she had needed to feel the Doctor's love because sometimes on those darker days, she had begun to doubt whether he had loved her as much as she had loved him. And after their kiss she had known. But that joy was short lived and River's fragile world came crashing down as the Doctor uttered those words.

"There is a time to live and a time to sleep. You are an echo River...like all of us in the end. My fault, I know. But you should have faded by now."

The Doctor's words had wrapped around her, shielding her from harm with his kindness and compassion but underneath there was a coldness in them and it broke her heart to hear him say something like that, but she would never show the Doctor how much it hurt to hear him say such a shattering thing. It made sense really but River was still reeling from the kiss, which seemed to contradict those "kind practical" words he had just said but the Doctor had a point, she still shouldn't be here and yet something didn't feel right... It was the Doctor, but it wasn't quite her Doctor, he had changed and wasn't the same Doctor River remembered, after all he had lost so much but maybe it was being at Trenzalore. To be fair the "Great Intelligence" had ripped his timeline to shreds and had almost destroyed him until Clara came to the rescue. And now the Doctor had to leave in a hurry and rescue his companion from his collapsing timeline. River couldn't stop the Doctor as he was about to do something incredibly dangerous and reckless but that was nothing new, all her life she had never been able to stop "him indoors". So River had no choice she had to step aside and let him go but she was ready to be brave just like that day in the library as she smiled with the same kind of resignation to her fate, her beautiful face all lit up and angelic despite some of the bad things she had done during her life.

"It's hard to leave when you haven't said goodbye."

The Doctor still couldn't do goodbye and yet River loved him for it because a part of her never wanted to hear him say it and as he asked her what to do he sounded like the lonely boy she had sometimes been allowed to glimpse.

"Then tell me, because I don't know - how do I say it?"

River's smile widened, neither of them could do real life, they were both hopeless and had lived their lives together entangled in a passionate world of thrilling fantasy but also in one of denial...

"There's only one way I'd accept. If you ever loved me, say it like you're going to come back."

The Doctor regarded her intently for a long moment, his eyes shone with wonder, River had caught him gazing at her like this before with such love and admiration when they had been alone and no one else was watching. And then the Doctor smiled.

"Well then...See you around, Professor River Song."

"Till the next time, Doctor." River had retorted brightly.

Then River knew everything would be alright and the Doctor would save Clara, she quivered inside as she teasingly uttered her catchphrase "spoilers" and then she said it...

"Goodbye Sweetie."

They parted even though the Doctor had still been unable to bring himself to say goodbye but something about their parting had felt rushed and hollow. Of course River hadn't really been there. But in her eyes, neither had the Doctor.

So River faded from his side, she had expected that moment to be her ending to fade away from her love like something from a fairy tale but instead she found herself pulled back into the virtual world. River couldn't understand it but it seemed something inside her would not, could not fade away, so here she was back in her virtual world with the stark realisation that her husband had asked her to end her existence... That's why River was now stood on tiptoe as she peered down into the dark waves below, the part of her that lived on didn't know how else to end her existence as she psyched herself up to jump, she wasn't afraid to fall but yet something inside still wouldn't let her go.

"Say it like you're going to come back."

Those words clung around her as River desperately tried to shake them off, it was giving her false hope. The Doctor was gone. That was their goodbye. And yet here River still stood, she could blame the memories that were now surging through her head, a whole lifetime's worth crammed into a few years with the Doctor and there were so many that she didn't know whether she was coming or going, but this was nothing new, for they had spent most of their relationship tangled up in time, her past his future well most of the time...Until they met somewhere in the middle and then there was a short time when it became his past and her future!

And then there were River's own echoes, the ghosts that live on inside her and their voices were growing stronger as River peered over the edge, wishing with all her heart that she could now be as a brave as her mother Amy, the day she died.