This is My Last War (Attack on Titan // LeviHan) - Part 3

An Apple A Day...

They managed to leave the bathroom eventually, the wet floor perfunctorily wiped dry with towels until Levi was halfway satisfied. The low buzz of voices drifted up from downstairs. How much time had passed? Zoë's legs were wobbly from the recent exertion, but when she stumbled on the wooden stairs like a klutz, Levi's hand shot forward to steady her. And it stayed on her arm all the way down.

Despite this physical closeness, they didn't speak on their descent. Possible that they should have - but in part, the silence was comforting. After all, she was rendered rather speechless by how she felt after joining her body with his, realizing with a kind of wonderment that it wasn't only the body that was satisfied, but her very soul. However, the silence was also like a persistent ache you tried to pointlessly ignore. Step by step down the stairs, they lost the opportunity to start the conversation they both knew they needed to have.

You're leaving tomorrow. You're always leaving tomorrow. What if we never say what we should say to each other? What if one of us doesn't return? What if it is already too late?

"They're in here," Zoë said once the stairs ended much too soon, her hand reaching for the door latch. Not that Levi needed her explanation: The excited chatter of the 104th that drifted to their ears spoke for itself. Armin was just telling his comrades an anecdote from his job in the apothecary. There was laughter. It was so good to hear the young ones like this, reunited, and happy.

Yet, it made her feel strange, like someone who needs to eavesdrop because she wasn't invited to a party. There was a distance between her and them that hadn't been there before she had become the Commander. She used to be their confidante, even their friend despite the difference in age - now she was only their superior. Their conversations changed when she stepped near, became a tad more careful and polite. Sure, intellectually, she understood that it was due to honest respect and their hard military training, but emotionally, it hurt. Everyday, she struggled with her responsibilities, questioning herself endlessly. She was the same person - and yet couldn't be.

As their Commander, she had to be larger than herself, all the time, just like Erwin had been. Those were the standards she had set for herself because without them, she wouldn't be able to believe she was worthy of this position. But tonight, instead of ensuring everyone's well-being, she had forgotten herself in her own pleasure. If she jeopardized and lost their respect, what would she be left with?

"How loud were we?" She whispered, feeling a type of mounting mortification. Anxiety was the professional word for it, much too much anxiety.

"Stop fretting needlessly," Levi made a somewhat irritated gesture that took his hand from her arm. "They know we occasionally hook up, who gives a shit. Everybody fucks. It's the most natural thing in the world."

"Everybody fucks...?" She echoed incredulously, trying to catch his eye in the semi-darkness that engulfed them. "Don't tell me... What were you guys doing while we were apart? You know about sexual disease, right? Or maybe I didn't tell you? Did you check how your kids were..."

"Woah, Hanji," Levi put his hand on her arm again and pressed it. Hard. "Stop right there. They're nineteen. They're adults. They're healthy. They know how babies are made and they know that pleasure is an important part of life. They also know that life in the Survey Corps is short. Ergo..."

"Really, Levi," Zoë forgot to drop her voice in her agitation. "I would never have thought you would be this... this irresponsible! This mission is probably the most important one we've ever been on and we cannot just go around saying 'everybody fucks, no big deal'! It is a big deal, especially here!"

"I don't understand you," Levi shook his head. "Of course everybody fucks. Except maybe Kirshtein. We just fucked, not that it's a frequent enough occurrence..."