Final Room

20 | buffy summers

CHAPTER TWENTY | BUFFY SUMMERS

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          Two days before Halloween, I decide to trust my instinct and ambush Xavier on his day off, knowing he won't be able to dodge a straightforward question. There are plenty of things Xavier can pretend not to hear, but I'm determined to break the cycle.

          "Hypothetically, would it be a stupid decision to attend a Halloween party?"

          Xavier, hidden behind a copy of A Tale of Two Cities, stirs in his seat. "It depends."

          "On what, exactly?"

          "On which version of me you're asking that question to. Do you want me to be the adult who's responsible for you in the state of Alaska, or do you want me to be the cool older brother?"

          I sigh, settling on the seat across from his with a cup of tea and a blueberry muffin, made exclusively for us by one Clara St. Germain. "Which of those versions is in a better mood today?"

          "Neither of them. I don't like Halloween. I think it's pointless."

          Xavier never took me trick-or-treating back when we were younger; it was always our parents or Emma's. He's never been the fun-loving older brother with a distaste for the rules, though I've always been considered more well-behaved than him thanks to my sickening obsession with being a people pleaser. No one ever believed my thin threats about tricks, deeming me as tooth-achingly sweet as the treats they dumped into my pumpkin basket, and I knew I was doomed to never be taken seriously.

          I'm not expecting Xavier to be particularly helpful, but he's the tie-breaking family member when Mom wants me to go to the party and Dad is vehemently against it. I'll never break the tie by myself, ever the lover of not making life-changing decisions—most of the time—so I'm depending on Xavier to make this choice in my place, but I can't have him take a page out of my book and refuse to do it.

          Sidney carefully approaches us, jumping to the empty space next to me, and curls around herself, head on my thigh. I know she's sensing something unusual in the air—like how she might be left behind for a few hours while I drink illegally with a bunch of college students or how the dynamic between me and Xavier almost feels like how it used to be back in the day—and I won't past it her to know exactly what it is, but this is one of those moments I find myself wishing she could just be a regular pet.

          Regular. Normal. There's that word again.

          Xavier sets the book aside with a sigh. "Look. I could tell you these parties are an important rite of passage for every teenager and young adult, but I don't need to remind you that you're—"

          "Reeling from the most traumatizing experience of my life?"

          He glares at me. "Nineteen. If you drink, if you get caught, it might just be a misdemeanor, especially as a first-time offense, but it stays on your record. There will be consequences. Community service, fines, not to mention what might happen if you drink too much." He avoids my eyes now, like he does when the conversation gets too personal. Something small and tight wraps around my throat. "I don't want anything bad to happen to you, especially when you're on my watch. When I heard about Camp Comet, I—"

          "You what?"

          He gulps, staring at a random spot on the wall.

          Turning him into the villain in the story isn't the move and it's not comforting nor is it part of the acceptance process, but the person I want to be angry at isn't here anymore. I don't get to be angry at Jake and I can't be angry at myself for being involved, for surviving when no one else did and all the odds were stacked against my survival, either, according to Doctor Albott and everyone else in my life. Xavier is all that's left, the final piece in the chess game, and I hate admitting I resent my own brother, but no one ever tells me what to do with all this hurt and heartache.