Bittersweet | ✔️

Eleven

"Right. Well, you don't have to worry about that. You're safe with me."

"That's good to know."

"Anyway, I'm Venus. And you?"

"It's Zane," he replies. "You have an unusual name, Venus. I like it. I don't meet a lot of girls named that. Why'd your parents name you that?"

That's the thing. Most vampires change their names once they leave their human life behind, like I did, and they usually change it to something unusual to distinguish their new form. I can't exactly remember if I named myself Venus or if it was the vampire who sired me. It's like part of the completion ritual to fully becoming a vampire, and enveloping completely in the new identity as the human in us dies. And I was only too anxious to get rid of my birth name.

I was born Ruth Ann Finster, but I changed my name so long ago that I tend to think of Ruth as a different person. I do not like Ruth and her memories. Then again, sometimes as Venus I feel like such a monster that I try to cling more to the traces in Ruth in me, small as they are because most of them died out. Venus and Ruth. I struggle a lot, unsure which part of myself I am most like.

"Because I'm an unusual person," I say, which is enough to drop the subject. Zane laughs. It's a nice laugh. I enjoy it.

Zane is an unusual name, too, kind of exotic, one I really haven't heard before. I want to say it aloud, to feel it, but now is not really the right time, since he'll probably just stare at me like he regrets coming with me. And I don't want to do that. I'm not sure where I'm driving, but I'm in no hurry to return back to school.

"So why haven't I seen you around school before?" I ask Zane as I turn onto the highway.

"I'm in the area for a little while," Zane answers as he places his arm behind my headrest. His fingers brush by my hair, and my attention automatically diverts to him. I start to drift into the oncoming lane, and make myself look at the road and keep all my energy to driving so I don't crash. "But not really permanently."

"Shame," I say and mean it. I kind of wish I hadn't said it aloud though. "And why is that?"

"I move a lot," Zane says.

"That must suck to change schools so much."

"Well usually I'm home-schooled," Zane explains. "I haven't been to a high school before."

"Really?" It's not that I doubt that he's telling the truth. I just find it strange, and also kind of charming. Maybe he's not tainted by those stupid social pressures boys push onto each other in order to look cool or whatnot. Maybe that's why he feels so different to me. What else could it be? "Why not?"

"My mom thought it would be disruptive to me. But I wanted to try it at least once. I had to really convince her to let me come here. She didn't think it was a great idea, but it is my life."

I look up at the red light. I decide to turn right, for no real reason except I didn't want to wait for the light to change.

"Are we actually going to stop somewhere?" Zane asks.

I shake my head without saying anything. Usually I just sit in my car, but now driving to go to get lunch seems a little stupid. It's not like I'm going to eat a hamburger or anything. Food doesn't really appeal to me nowadays. It doesn't taste the same to a vampire as it does to a mortal. It doesn't really taste like anything. Maybe that's to keep us focused on our bloody life source, which is the only thing that's stimulating. What I wouldn't give to enjoy a chocolate bar once more. You don't miss some things until you can't have them, but you still have the memories of when you did.

"I wasn't planning on it, actually," I say.

"So where exactly are we going?"

I look at him briefly before turning my eyes back to the road. "No where. I like just driving. Don't you enjoy my company?"

"Of course I do," he replies good-naturedly. It's good to hear, and I assume he means it for some reason. "I'm glad that you invited me to come for a ride. It was fun."

I could care less about our destination, but I make the inevitable journey towards school. I'm glad he enjoyed the trip, though I hide that deep inside me. I wouldn't want to ruin that apathetic attitude I have going on, and I wouldn't want some stranger thinking he meant something to me.

We're going to be late for fifth period, but I don't want to speed. Okay, I do, but I don't really want the trip to end. It was nice, kind of refreshingly nice, like standing in a light rain, where you can get totally drenched but you don't care because it feels so good and that's all that should matter. It seems like that should be all that matters, but that's not it, it's never enough, but right now I can pretend like all the other little details don't exist.

I pull my car back into the student parking lot just as I hear the bell ring and see the cattle filing in line to class. Well, I guess we're not late. It wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't want to get Zane in trouble on the first day that I met him. I wouldn't want him to get a bad impression right away.

"See you around," I murmur as I start to unbuckle. Zane touches my hand so I stop and look up at him. God, he's so gorgeous, I think before I can stop myself from thinking it. I'm crashing under waves of euphoria. He's too appealing, even painfully so, and I'm scared he'll pull away from me. I've been around good-looking guys before who turned out to be jerks, so I thought I was becoming immune to feeling this way. Apparently not. I wonder what his blood tastes like, but if I bit him right now, I would really hate myself, and I couldn't look at him the same. So I look, but I won't touch.

Zane leans in and kisses me gently on the lips, and then he pulls back shyly. He touches me despite my efforts to not touch him. The gesture catches me off-guard and there's something just innocent about it that surprises me. It's so soft and tender and it's just not what I usually find in the guys who kiss me. Usually I can feel they want more by the way they shove their tongue in my mouth, but it's so much more powerful when it has no alternative meaning. It takes me a few seconds to put myself back together. The tension in my body disappears for the first time, maybe ever.

For a moment I'm conceivably happy but then fall back into the moment of reality. He pulls away, steps back, but doesn't stop looking at me. I don't remain happy for long; it's not my thing. I am automatically suspicious once the clouds clear and rigidity builds up again.

"Isn't Frosty going to be jealous?" I ask finally, bracing myself for what he might say, clutching the upholstery of my chair.

"Huh? Who?"

"I saw you talking with Frost in the hallway earlier, and I thought that..." I stop talking as Zane shakes his head. I find myself believing him, despite my natural tendencies to do just the opposite. I don't trust anyone, but I'm compelled to trust a practical stranger because of one tender kiss. I wonder what would happen to Frost if she found out that I had stolen her boyfriend. She would be so mad that it might even be worth it, if I didn't mind coming off as a whore. It's not that I mind what other people think, but I have no respect for men who cheat on their girlfriends.

"No, no, our parents have been like, best friends for ages, and dating Ivana would be like dating my sister," Zane replies. I sigh with relief but hide it from Zane. I feel better right now, like I just got some weight off my shoulders. He's single. He's free. And so? What could happen? I really want to know.

"You call her Ivana?" I ask. "I didn't think anyone called her by her first name."

"No, not really. She doesn't really like for people to call her Ivana. She lets me get away with it, though."

I don't say anything else. Frost is not really the topic of conversation I want to discuss for obvious reasons. So I let the pause become long enough to present another topic, whatever that might be, as long as it's not about her. I ask him something about his classes, but then we stop talking. I don't want to babble just to fill the silence.

I have never, not once, felt anything like this in the hundred years of my life. It's so foreign I'm not sure what it is yet. Some people might interpret that spark of electricity between two people as love at first sight. But I'm a monster, the villain, and I can't love, or at least I didn't think I could. But what else is it? And could he feel something too? Maybe not something so baffling, but he kissed me, so he must feel something.

So we both exit the car quietly but content. I've missed things like this. I forget how to be natural, but he soothes my anger, and I feel human. I smile until I catch a glimpse of someone off in the distance.