Bittersweet | ✔️

Thirty-Seven

Another day in class on a slow Monday, two days later. I can't wait until summer when all of this stops. That's what the rest of these people are thinking now too, but they think that because they have to go through this. I don't. I guess I lied to Crow. I don't enjoy this. I enjoy seeing Zane, but I haven't talked to him in over a week. Now it feels like I have nothing. I could leave. I should leave. And yet, what else is there better to do with my time? I have an endless amount of time and nothing to do with it. It makes me insane when I sit and think too long. That's why I need something like boring school papers to pour myself into just to save my sanity.

It's lunch break now, and I lean against the railing on the second floor. Lunchtime just reminds me of feeding and how I can't. I sigh, and miss blood even more than ever. I linger here and try do figure out what to do next. I don't want to drive around by myself, so it doesn't really matter where I stand since it's all the same. This whole week I've been sitting around, feeling lonely, wishing I had some sort of company, although I'd never admit it. I'm tired of hiding in the library.

I watch the people below me mingling while I stand by myself. People cluster into their groups of friends. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how to approach them. I wouldn't know if they would accept me if I tried to be friends with them, those innocent, sometimes amusing people. If I tried to lower myself and befriend them, then if they rejected me, I'd be alone by default. It's too late to talk to these people. They're all already friends, and they're going to college next year and moving on with their exciting lives. So I'm just going to stand up here, looking at everyone so far away, because there's nothing else to do.

I don't focus on anything specific until I spot Zane in the crowd. I feel my body stiffen as I try to think about what to do. Not only have I not talked to him since he took me to Noir, but I haven't even seen him or felt his presence, even at a distance. I want to talk to him, but I want to have some pride and not be the one to go to him. He should be the one who comes to me. He's the one who hurt me. He doesn't know I've been a lonely mess. I've actually resorted to thinking about making friends.

He's standing on the sidewalk as Frost walks up to him. I roll my eyes. Now I have no desire to go downstairs to him. She and I may have been somewhat more friendly than usual once, but I still don't want to see her or talk to her if I don't have to. The weather's hot today, but Frost's short tennis skirt that showing off her long skinny legs seems a bit much. I tap my fingers on the steel rail.

I watch them talking. They're leaned in close to each other, the way people talk when they don't want people to hear what they're saying. I wish I could hear them. I know Zane said they'd been friends for ages. Does Frost know that Zane's a vampire hunter? It's hard to tell. Sure, if they'd been friends that long, they must know a lot about each other. On the other hand, something like that you might want to keep a secret. It's certainly not something you'd go around telling people that you couldn't fully trust. I wonder how long I would have to date Zane before he would tell me. I wonder why I waste my time with impossible questions.

At least he's not talking to Kaitlyn, I think. She may have a huge mole, but she's one obvious flirt, and he's a man who I haven't actually gone on a date with yet. There's no way I could expect total loyalty from him. He's a teenaged boy, and he doesn't know how much he already means to me. It's not his fault when I feel something it's tenfold what normal people feel. I'd rather him not be in situations that could make me jealous even though I know perfectly well there's nothing to be jealous of. He told me there wasn't. I should trust him. It's hard to know what to make of him sometimes. He probably doesn't complicate and obsess the way I do.

I hate feeling so insecure. It's really not like me. I wonder if I walked down there if I could hear what they were talking about without them seeing me. Then I wouldn't have to worry so much. I bet Frost would be much happier if Zane went after Kaitlyn than me. She has always had some unexplained agenda against me.