What's the point?
Nothing matters. A very rare few are going to heaven, and- let's be honest- the rest of us are probably going to hell. Everything is just going to hurt no matter what. We're never going to be good enough for our friends. We're never going to be good enough for our parents. We're never going to be good enough for God. So what's even the point?
I don't know about you all, but I'm fucking exhausted. And I'm really sick of trying.
I just realized how much shit my mom has on her plate. Her notepad in the kitchen is so full of crap she has to do that you could barely see the paper. I'm just a waste of her time, and these stupid hormones of mine or something are just being bitchy. If I just disappeared, she would be so much better off.
If I didn't exist in the first place, her husband probably wouldn't be dead by now. She tried to make me go to a grief counselor when she went to one, but I didn't talk to him much. My mom and him kept asking me if I knew it wasn't my fault. I just said I knew it wasn't to give my mom peace of mind.
Of course it's my fucking fault! I just don't care. He scared me. I never wanted to be around him. I'm pretty sure he always tried to get me in trouble. There was a hole in my shower curtain once. I don't actually know how it got there, but my mom asked my dad about it, and the bastard said it looked like it was cut with scissors. By me. It fucking did NOT. It was all jagged. If I cut the curtain it would be a smooth laceration. Wtf kind of scissors are jagged like that?! It's probably bad for me to speak ill of the dead or something.
My mom kept talking about him and I fucking HATE IT. I. Don't. Like. Him. And it always makes me feel guilty. I'm so glad she stopped eventually. It made me want to shove knives in my ear canals. But not actually because that would hurt and I'm weak.
LC got me an umbrella for my birthday, because this stupid douchebag broke it during lunch. Should sue him for that. >:V And since my birthday is on a day we don't have school, she brought a party popper the day before. She MADE the party popper. And now it makes me feel so, so fucking guilty because I didn't do anything for her birthday because she WOULDN'T TELL ME WHAT SHE WANTED!! She just said "a hug". So I GAVE HER A HUG. And I really wish she wouldn't make such a big deal about it, but I didn't say anything because it seemed like it was important to her.
She's gonna give me the umbrella Monday since she ordered it from Amazon. I'm going to say the longest "thaaaaaaaaaank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" ever.
My freaking neighbor even wanted to get me something. And my mom is taking me to Cheddar's. I really wish she wouldn't. "Make a budget" is on her notepad. I don't even know why everyone is making such a big deal. I just want them to stop. I just want to hibernate on the three-day weekend. I don't want to do this. But I've been acting depressed kinda lately so my mom might be suspicious if I don't want to go. Eating makes me feel gross, especially in public. That's why I don't eat at school. And everyone jokes about how I never eat. Although I steal some of my friends' food sometimes. They probably secretly hate me for it, but whatever. I can't BELIEVE they still tolerate me after this long.
TT wasn't here today because he's getting his wisdom teeth something something something. Fuck, today sucked ass. And yesterday. I minimize hanging out with people as much as I can because I don't want them to get suspicious or constantly ask if I'm okay when I know they don't really give a shit. Like TT. I mean, he might. Idk. But I've learned not to trust people so easily. I really love him though. Hopefully in a friend way. Love-love makes me actually crazy, as I've said with KJ. He always comes and talks to me during breaks in class and it makes me smile- a genuine smile. Even on A-days (if you need me to explain my block schedule further, let me know), with math that makes me even more self-conscious.
We had to make groups in history class and I just sighed and prepared to wait in humiliation on the verge of stupid fucking crybaby tears again, assuming that TT would go with his other better friends, but he came over to me. I probably looked really confused. Also, I didn't think TH would want to group with me. I ended up with TT and TH and we worked on the project. I was trying to talk with TH because she was having a panic attack earlier without ignoring TT, but he ended up doing must of the work while TH and I talked. And somehow TH managed to do a bunch of work as well. I barely did a thing. More guilt.
The whole time though people were being all immature and saying TT and I were dating. One guy asked us both if we liked eachother. I didn't say anything, so TT said "as friends". Guess that solves that issue. Not really but oh well.
Ughhhhhhhhhhh lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Makes me wanna OD. Again. 😩
Once, I took nine acetaminophen (pain relievers) because I knew it was dangerous. It wasn't a suicide ATTEMPT so much as a suicide OPPORTUNITY. I figured maybe I was supposed to die and God just didn't have a chance to kill me yet, so I gave him one. I didn't die. It was actually pretty scary. The worst that happened though was a bad headache.
I actually thought an unhealthy amount about this, but if I were to kill myself, the easiest, quickest, most painless one would probably be jumping off a tall building. It's really nice when you think about it. I don't even have to JUMP, I could just let myself fall. Then the wind would rush by me, and it would be peaceful for a few seconds before I hit the ground, and hopefully die immediately by impact. Then it's just over, and HOPEFULLY I go to heaven.
Btw I just realized I've been venting a lot lately, so if you follow me and have notifications for Wattpad and it pops up when I update I'm really sorry- 😅
(3/9/23)
