The New York journal

Dreams I've had

The following will be some dreams i have memories of in this past few days. They have all been pretty perturbant, maybe that's why my memory keeps them and not the other dumb shit i normally get my mind on. Or is possible that all this change and all the calmness which came after crossing the border made the alarm sound in my brain, like "you can't be this calm, i'll give you stress by showing you things that hasn't happen, that won't happen, but that you will be able to see and remember".  

This are a few, the ones that shocked me most:

Dreamt about my brother in law and I fighting. He said hi to me and I just smacked the shit out of him. Then I saw my nephew coming in the room screaming while I was on top of his dad beating him up. I regret it so much, stood up and Pablo said I was a savage, how could I treat him like that. I wanted to smack him again but my nephew was running around. I saw Pablo's stupid face bleeding and woke up. –to put this dream into context, my brother in law screwed me over with about one grand before i came to the states. That money was for my mom and he never gave it to her. He's a coke addict and alcoholic, so that was kind of a dick move on him. 

Dreamt with my sister, Pablo's wife (or kind of his wife), she was mad at my mom. She started yielding, only nonces, I went there to tell her to stop. My mom disappeared from the scene, so Tanchy (my sister) started yielding at me. I told her I wasn't afraid of her, even though she's big and fat. She's clumsy and gets tired really fast because of so much smoking and drinking. She had this crazy eyes when you know something bad is going to happen. She came down to me with rage and I moved across the room. She attacked me but she was slow and I was fast and I hit her in the face and told her to stop. Somehow she grabbed a machete from the floor and attacked me with it. She missed. I grabbed a skateboard and we started a machete versus skateboard sword fight. "you really think you can safe yourself with that?", she said, "I know I can fuck you up with the skate board", I said. Then woke up. –Context on this dream, i'm really mad at my sister (still) for not backing my mom up and allowing his partner to put all this on our family.

Dreamt about New York and my mom. She came to see me to the city. I was really exited showing her around. We walked through Manhattan and I show this enormous machinery working in a park, like one of those backhoe loader doing it's thing with workers on it. I stared at it for a while and my mom kept walking passing under the machine's arm. Somehow, the big metal thing of the machine felt and hit someone. My heart started to rush and I started to sweat. I ran to the person in the floor just assuming the worst. The two ton piece of machine hit my mom in the head and she was unconscious on the floor. I started crying and hold her head. She wasn't dead, surprisingly, she mumbled things but she couldn't see me. People gathered around me and told me not to grab her head like that. I yielded at them to shut up, to mind their fuckin' business, thinking that if she wasn't dead she wouldn't be herself anymore even if she survived. I just cried and cried, not caring about anybody's word. I woke up suddenly. I have to call her. –context: i'm really worried about my mom and her environment. She has always been so strong and empowered but now that we are older i see her fragile, like an old lady. I know, deep in my heart, that she's still strong, one of the strongest and smartest people i'll never know, but i worried about her, maybe too much, and just want her to be okey.

The dream I had yesterday is oblivious. I just remember I had to go back to Chile for some reason. A family thing, probably. It was crazy because it felt much more real, so real that even in the dream I said, this cannot be happening because I just got to New York. So I was in Chile, just doing the things I had to do, and then the come back to the US started. Got so nervous, I was thinking that I just came a few weeks back and now for sure they would stop me in the border. I was in the JFK on the line to the border patrol, sweating heavier than when I came a week back. I had the same lady who stopped me when I first arrived, but when I was about to go through her, she stands up and she changes places with an Asian police officer. Now I know I'm fucked and start thinking that this cannot be happening because I just came to the US a week ago, this cannot be real, what's going on. And woke up. –this one does not need any context.