Chapter 20: Angel of My Life

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I feel like I've been kicked in the gut

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I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. She is so angry as she turns to go. Angrier than she's letting on, I'd wager. And I don't blame her. I've been an absolute disaster tonight.

::What an arse you are, Sebastian.::

It doesn't matter how justified she is to feel how she does, or that I've only done my best given the circumstances. That apparating with her here was a total accident.

::Fuckin eejit.::

All I know is that this familiar crushing inside me worsens with each step she takes away from me and makes me feel terribly desperate.

::Take out your wand and burn down this miserable fucking forest, mate.::

I inhale through my nose, keep my hands solidly in my pockets, and my arms completely still in protest to myself. As she disappears from my sight her words ring in my ears, 'I suggest you figure out what you do want, then.'

Laughable. I know exactly what I want. I've always known what I want.

::You want to burn down this miserable fucking forest, mate.::

I've only ever wanted to protect the people I love.

::Sure got a strange way of showing it...::

And in this moment, I want to chase after her. To stop her. But I dare not disrespect her wishes.

::You've done enough damage, you arse wipe.::

I want so badly to explain everything. But even if I had that chance I wouldn't possibly know where to begin.

::Begin at the start, mate. She befriended you. Trusted you. And you royally fucked it up.::

I want her to know how painfully sorry I am. Excruciatingly sorry. But I know words pale in comparison to the magnitude she's been through.

::You never sent a single letter, lazy sod.::

I want her to understand what happened.

::You fucked up is what.::

...where I've been...

::Right. 'Finding yourself,' yeah?::

...and why...

::And she would care because...?::

...and who I am.

::Easy. Monster.::

I only ever wanted her to truly know me.

::All of you? Really?::

I still do.

::Wanker.::

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