Ena Shinonome ~ Life or Death

That day pt 2

I was tired. I am tired. I can't keep doing this living everyday being a complete and utter waste of space to the people around me I cause them more harm than good so why do I continue why do I carry on living day by day it's not like anybody would care for more than 2 weeks until they forget about me and all the pathetic mistakes I've been making my whole life. If it would take them 2 weeks to forget me why don't I disappear why don't I leave? I think I'm starting to understand Yuki yk always wanting to disappear to leave. I mean I've always envied Yuki but now I feel this way I see how me blaming her was wrong she had been struggling and I had been blinded by her talent instead of helping I always shouted at her saying she shouldn't feel that way because she was talented but it wasn't her choice and I probably just made it worst god another mistake I have made. As I keep thinking things over I've made so many mistakes in my life I don't know how people have been able to put up with me all this time I don't get how nobody has just snapped well. I mean my dad has but he snaps at everyone I think it's just in his nature. I wish I wasn't useless. I wish I was meant to live.

I think about all this for a while before going to night school. I have pretty small classes so I doubt anyone will notice my bright red puffy eyes and my messed up makeup and hair even if they did I'm pretty sure they would just bully me about it. I have about 4 packets of paracetamol in my pocket just in case you know everything is too much for me. It already is. I've had these thoughts before but I've always been too scared to go through with it but I think this is the final straw. I'll just see how school is. Maybe it could keep my mind off things. Maybe everything will be ok and I'm just being melodramatic as always

I arrived at school 5 minutes late. Shit. Just another thing that will end up in somebody telling me off and causing me to doubt my true self worth. Perfect, I love my life. I walk through the building doors to be greeted with an " Ena this is the 3rd time this week you've been late god are you really that lazy that you can't get out of bed and arrive at school on time. Your the one who signed up for night school if you aren't up for it maybe you should go back to regular school" I couldn't do that it wasn't an option my life at public school would be best described as hell as it was just constant bullying all day every day I couldn't go back to that. I walked to class as people stared across at me. I guess that's a negative of small classes. People noticed everything everyone did. I missed Akito he'd gone away on a trip with the Vivid bad squad last week. I'm glad he's relaxing but I could really use him right now. No I shouldn't be thinking that he's happy just because I'm not doesn't mean I can put all my issues onto him he's not a doll he's a human with problems of his own I probably am hurting him I know he worries about me he shouldn't I'm fine. I think. I walk into class. I hear people whispering and snickering at me. Just great as if i wasnt already stressed enough my class was makin things 10x worse once again I'd punch them all in the face if I could put I'm trying to lay low and control my anger these days. Then again if I was to disappear I could do everything I want and then die as a final farewell. No, I need to stop thinking that i still have things to live for like winning an art prize and travelling globally putting my art in museums worldwide. That would never happen though its like my dad says I'm talentless.

As I carry on through my lesson I try my hardest to focus. It fails miserably though every few minutes I'm debating on whether I should take my life or not, definitely not a good thought for class with people surrounding me. The teacher asks me a question. My mind goes blank. I haven't been focusing. I have no idea what she's talking about and my face is flushed red as I just reply, "I don't know, I'm sorry". She looks angry and tells me off for not listening as apparently she'd said the moment before when I was zoning out in my own thoughts. I asked to go to the bathroom. I couldn't stand a moment more in that classroom. I knew people were looking at me. I knew people were disgusted at me. I mean I barely looked presentable. It was just another thing people could point out was wrong with me. When she says yes I rush out I feel tears starting to form again I don't even know why this time I just am not feeling great and I'm causing the people around me pain I could feel it I'd be better gone..