If only...

22.my childhood

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SAM POV÷

Since I was a child, I have always heard people telling me how lucky I am to be the daughter of a wealthy family, and in fact, I thought that was true in the early years of my life.  At that time, many toys, a luxurious house, everything I wanted I got, my life was very easy because as a child I only saw the bright and pink side of my life, but that started to change gradually, my idea of ​​my life was getting worse the more I understood what was going on  around me because I discovered that I was paying the price for what I got, and that price was the loneliness that was too big for me to get rid of with what I was getting with the money.

My parents were like guests, we only see them on occasions and holidays, they used to come back from work late or they were traveling for weeks for work, so my sister and I used to discover the world around us on our own, at least we had each other, also there was Linda, our nanny, a wise and loving woman with the most precious heart, she cared about everything about us,  she was trying to give us tenderness and attention that would make us normal children, like you know, children with a healthy childhood, but It wasn't enough because there was always something missing.

Although my mother quit her job later but  it was not a good thing for our family.
actually It got worse In the end because she gave up her job which she loves in order not to oppose my father, who for some reason hated her work also to try to spend some time with her daughters who had already become teenagers and without her, as a result, she was unhappy
and that was the reason for the constant problems with my father.

our responsibilities and the pressure were increasing day by day, especially from my mother, who was looking for the perfection according to her rules. She cared about the family’s reputation and social standing more than anything, perhaps more than her family members.
Our house was like a ballroom, and  The guests are women from the upper classes, They were not good at anything but criticism and gossip, I they are no different from my mother.

As for my father, he was a somewhat different from my mother. He did not care about these things much, he was supportive, unlike my mother, who was strictly critical only, but he wasn't a perfect parent either, he thought saving money was all we needed and he was definitely wrong.

So living in a family atmosphere like that was difficult not only for me but for every member of our family, and each person found his way to survive at that time, the great lack of understanding and differences between us as a family had a great impact on making that cold hell, when I think about our family  I find that everything that happened was due to the wrong choice made by our parents. They thought that what they felt was enough to cancel out the obvious differences that were between them, but they were wrong, and because of their mistake, not only they suffered, but their children also, and what made me wonder more is  Their sticking to each other even though they were both toxic to the other. I tried to ask my father why they continued despite everything, and his answer was that they love each other, but literally at that moment I couldn't stop myself from laughing, his answer was incorrect, and maybe he didn't know that either, but it was clear  They sacrificed their happiness and freedom because they didn't want to give up their responsibilities and thought that gathering under the same roof every night and fighting over something silly would make them good parents with a close-knit family, ignoring the fact that that family was everything but family.

I was not able to survive for long and bear the pressures that were increasing day by day. I was the imperfect daughter who did not fit my mother's idea of ​​the perfect family because she was unable to make me the girl she wanted, as happened with my sister, who used to find that obedience to my mother was the best solution to avoid problems unlike me.  so when I turned 19 years old I made the decision to live alone and it was the best choice I made in my life, my mother certainly didn't like it but I had the support of my father who probably understood why I made that decision so he supported me.

by living alone, I felt like I finally started to breathe after all these years. I was finally free. I could do whatever I wanted, go where I wanted, come home when I wanted and with whom I wanted. There were no rules other than my rules. My sexual experiences started when i was 17 years old , but  I never tried to be in a serious relationship, I used to avoid those relationships because I thought that being attached to one person and fulfilling him was stupid and illogical, because no feelings last forever, one day one of the parties will get bored and run away, or both parties will have to continue  In the relationship so that they do not abandon their responsibilities as my parents, so the many and temporary relationships were an ideal solution to obtain pleasure, healthy relationships with no responsibilities, no obligations, and I do not think that there is anyone who does not want that.
I was convinced that I was leading my life right with every experience I went through. I dated many girls, but I never found myself ready to continue with one of them for a month. So how can someone commit to a relationship for many years?
Do these people claim to be happy?  Those were the thoughts that were always running through my mind.  But to be honest, I wasn't interested in finding an answer. I was fine with my rules and my way of living and having the fun that I needed without declaring my allegiance and devotion to someone I wasn't sure that I'd care about tomorrow or not.
My mother was always critical of what I did but I didn't care about what she said because I saw her as having no right to judge me while she was unable to know how to find her happiness, I pity her and my father as well but at the same time I blamed them for the bad childhood  That made me who I was in adolescence, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to hold them responsible for my personal decisions and mistakes, but what I'm trying to explain is that parents and their concern have a great impact on a child's life, each of us learn something from our parents, I don't know what you learned from your parents and I hope it's something good, butI learned from them not to get attached or depend on anyone, even them, and that I always have to leave any relationship that may one day make me vulnerable because nothing lasts forever, especially feelings, so  My actions and my life were completely based on those thoughts and convictions.
I didn't know if I was wrong or not but I was comfortable with what I had and that was all that mattered to me at the time.

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