Iron, Neon Lights & Weed

14

What am I doing?

The taxi stops in front of the few buildings on the Strip that isn't a casino or a hotel. It looks like one of those exclusive, luxury five-star hotels, but it is actually an apartment building for the filthy rich. And apparently, Ryan is one of them.

Ryan is greeted with "Good morning, Mr. Ross," because it's around three a.m., and the doors are opened for us. I am still asking myself the same question: What am I doing?

Spencer said I would get the deal if I sleep with Ryan, and it's not like sleeping with Ryan would be a sacrifice – god no – because I've been lusting after him for weeks. So then why does this feel so fucking wrong?

We make our way across the large reception area decorated with lights and mirrors, our footsteps echoing on the marble tiles. We come to a stop at the lifts. There are six of them, three on each side.

"We need to take this one," Ryan tells me, addressing me for the first time since we arrived. The doors to the middle lift on the left-hand side open.

We step in, and Ryan pulls out a bundle of keys. In place of the typical buttons with the floor numbers on them, there are keyholes and Ryan pushes his key into the hole at the very top. The square around the keyhole illuminates to red. The doors close, and I feel the upwards movement.

Ryan pulls the key out and turns to me with a sexy smile. "You know, I don't usually bring people to my home...you should feel special."

I try to return his sexy smile, but inside I am still so unsure. I want this, god I want this, but I just...didn't think it'd happen like this. I didn't think I'd throw myself at Ryan because I became so desperate about getting the record deal. And not to mention, we both know I'm going to bottom, and I've never done that. I've never...I'm a fucking virgin, but I can't tell Ryan that.

"This'll be fun," Ryan continues suggestively as the lift comes to a stop with a soft "bing" coming through the speaker in the corner.

The doors open, and instead of a hallway or a corridor, I realise the doors open straight into Ryan's apartment. Ryan leads the way and we step into the small entrance hall of his goddamn expensive-looking flat. I temporarily forget everything, including my inner struggle of confused morals, and take a minute to just look at his place; it's nothing like I thought it'd be.

We walk in further, and we are standing on the other side of his living room. The opposite wall is all windows, and they give an amazing view over the Strip, over half of Vegas. In the middle of the room is a squared deepening in the floor two steps lower than the rest, in which there is a square shaped leather couch with a squared black coffee table. It's the only seating area in the living room, and seems pretty ideal for hanging out. The wall behind us is an endless row of bookshelves, and in one of the corners is a fireplace - fake of course, because who the hell needs extra warmth in Vegas?

There's a small hallway leading away from the living room that comes to an end with a door on all three sides. There's also an old-looking piano in the living room. I walk across the room, past the deepening in the floor, and over to the enormous windows. I realise one of the windows is a glass door leading to a balcony high above the ground. I can see the cars and taxis down on the street, and I realise that Ryan's got the penthouse apartment.

If dealing drugs gets you all of this, then damn, maybe I should consider it too. Exactly how much drug dealing does Ryan do to afford all of this? He must be doing a lot more than providing The Bridge with the majority of its drugs, I figure he probably provides half of Vegas with its drugs because having an apartment like this...costs millions. I don't even want to imagine how much the rent is.

Ryan keeps his eyes on me as I stare at the flat in awe, taking in the wood flooring and the expensive-looking wallpaper and...just all of it. He stands there the way he usually does, with his hip slightly bent outwards, which usually serves as a hint of suggestion, except this time it's not just suggestion.

But I fail to notice it, merely whispering, "Fuck, this place is amazing."

Ryan walks over to me, and shrugs. "Well, I needed a place to live and I'm a sucker for pretty views..." he smirks and stops in front of me, "so I bought the place."

"You - wha - you own this?" I ask, shocked. Most people my age rent places, they don't buy them.

Ryan presses himself against me. "Did you come here to check out my crib? Because, if I recall rightly..." he moves even closer and lets his lips ghost over my ear, "your exact words were 'fuck me.'"

My breath hitches in my throat, and I forget why I am doing this and whether or not it's perfect or just right. I want this so badly.

And then I'm kissing Ryan, desperately and wildly and he's kissing me back. And at first I feel him grinning against my mouth when he presses me against the windows with a clang, but after a few minutes of fierce making out, he isn't grinning anymore.

I can hear him panting slightly as he slides his tongue to meet mine, his hands tangled up in my hair and he pushes himself against me. I can feel his erection against my thigh. It turns me on to feel him, to hear Ryan out of breath, because it seems he's always in control. But if I think I have the control now, I am dead wrong.

Ryan pulls me off the window and leads me to the other side of the room towards the hallway. At the end, he opens the door to the right and pushes me into his bedroom. I don't have time to take in my surroundings, merely noticing his king-sized bed that I soon find myself lying on.

Ryan straddles me on the bed as I rest against my elbows. He reaches down to kiss me as he skilfully unbuckles my belt. Ryan isn't wasting time. My heart starts to beat faster and nervous tingling burns at the pit of my stomach. Ryan pulls up my shirt, and he is kissing his way up my stomach and up my chest. I help him get my shirt off, and Ryan throws it away almost aggressively. Ryan then pulls down my jeans and boxers, and they soon land on the floor too. Ryan resumes his position on top of me, moving a hand to touch me as he begins teasing my lower stomach with his lips.

"Oh fuck," I sigh into the quietness of the bedroom and let myself lie back on the bed. Ryan's fingers are moving over my hard flesh, his teeth nibbling on the sensitive skin just beneath my belly button. My hips move upwards slightly, wanting more of his touch. His hand leaves my cock and goes lower, brushing over my balls and I inhale sharply. He pushes my legs open with his hand and lets a finger move over my entrance and I swallow hard.

I'm fully naked on his bed, and I instinctively pull off Ryan's shirt because I'd feel too exposed otherwise. Ryan sits on top of me, watching me as I unbuckle him with shaking hands. Fuck, I don't mean for them to be shaking but I'm nervous and turned on and...I can't help it. I unzip him, and Ryan removes the jeans and boxers himself.

My nervousness turns into pure lust as I see Ryan naked on top of me. His skin is pale and smooth, his limbs long and slender. He looks perfect. He is perfect. Ryan gets off me and goes to get condoms and lube from the drawer. When he returns, he pulls my legs further apart and I let him. I know what he's doing, and what he's going to do. But it's fine because he's done this to me before, and it was really good the last time. We're just going all the way tonight. It's fine. I'm fine.

This isn't how I thought I'd lose my virginity, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. It was going to happen eventually.

I'm pretty sure I can take it.

I feel Ryan's fingers circling my entrance. My insides twirl in anticipation. To my surprise, Ryan starts off with two fingers instead of one. My body jerks as Ryan's long fingers make their way inside me, and I manage to turn the slight grunt of discomfort into a moan of pleasure. I take a deep breath because he caught me off guard with that.

Ryan is biting my neck, hard enough to leave marks. My lower stomach feels slightly sore from where he kissed me just earlier, and I'm pretty sure he used his teeth just enough to leave marks there too. He pulls his two fingers in and out of me as I gasp and bite my lip. I begin to moan quietly because Ryan is moving his fingers against my prostate now. I know I don't have that much ground for comparison, but I'm pretty sure Ryan is goddamn talented.

I move myself against his hand, aching for him to touch the same spot again. He does, and for a few minutes his fingers fuck me and I get more and more turned on, my cock proudly pressing against Ryan's warm skin as he hovers above me. Ryan pulls his fingers out of me.

"Turn around," Ryan orders in a low voice.

It takes me a second to register his words, my brain unwilling to function. But I do as I'm told, getting on my hands and knees on Ryan's bed. I'm rewarded with Ryan pushing two fingers in me again and I let out a groan. His erection is pressing against my ass, his fingers getting me ready for him. I'm feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness, but mostly I am too busy moaning like a whore to think.

Ryan's breath teases the skin on my back, his tongue licking my skin every now and then. I think this whole having sex thing is going pretty well. But as Ryan adds a third finger, my breath hitches at my throat. Two fingers were still fine, but three is pushing it. The movements against my prostate still send waves of pleasure through me, but now are followed by pain. Ryan's stretching me more than I am used to, more than I've ever been before. Luckily, Ryan doesn't notice because I don't want him knowing I've never done this before.

Ryan fucks me with his three fingers, and I'm taking it the best I can. I'm feeling a mix of pleasure and pain, unsure of which one is going to win. I try to relax and get more into it. Ryan doesn't spend as much time on prepping me now. He pulls his fingers out and I can hear him putting the condom on, and covering himself with lube. I stay still on my hands and knees with my ass sticking out, and I can't see Ryan. I can only hear him.

Ryan positions himself behind me. I panic slightly when I feel Ryan press the tip of his cock against my entrance. Ryan's cock is hell of a lot more than three fingers. I don't think I can do this, I don't think I'm ready just yet. My mind is racing, and all I can think of is that I need a bit more time - but it's too late.

I gasp, my hands giving in under my weight, and I fall on my elbows, my curses smothered by the pillow when I feel Ryan's cock pushing inside of me. Not gently, not slowly, but in a forceful, continuous movement. I feel the first inch, the second, the third, all of it and I feel like Ryan is trying to split me in two. It burns like hell, and it hurts considerably, but I take it. The only thing I can do is take it.

I hear Ryan groan above me, and at least he is enjoying it. "Fuck, Brendon," Ryan hisses with a hint of surprise in his tone.

Ryan's nails are digging into my hips as he holds onto me. He begins to pull in and out of me, which at least is better than him staying still. I bite my tongue, focusing on the fact that people wouldn't do this if it didn't feel good. I think back to the time in high school, when that boy had been moaning, begging and thrusting against me, so I know it can be good. But I feel sore all over; my insides burn as I feel Ryan's cock pushing against me. I'm breathing heavily, trying to relax, and eventually the pain becomes a dull ache as my muscles stop resisting the intrusion.

Ryan's focused only on fucking my ass, and my cock isn't even hard anymore. And this is just not how I imagined it. I'm on all fours on Ryan's bed, and I'm being fucked...but I'm just being used, I feel like I'm a tool to get Ryan off. But just as I begin to think that sex is overrated, a small, tiny wave of pleasure shoots through me.

"Oh," I gasp in surprise, my body jerking slightly on its own accord. As Ryan thrusts in again, the action repeats itself a little stronger this time. I groan and Ryan repositions himself, just slightly, and when his cock pounds in me again I cry out. "Oh fuck!"

My whole body jerks, my nerves tingling in places I didn't know existed. Ryan's cock against my prostate is hell of a lot more intense than his three fingers. Ryan slows down, and teasingly begins to pull out of me, then slamming in hard to make me cry out. My cock has come back to life, and is aching for attention. But Ryan just teases me with his cock, pulling out almost all the way, enough for me to feel empty, and then he pounds in again, filling me to the maximum.

Ryan is teasing me, and god it turns me on. It turns me on to feel his cock in me, but I just want him to fuck me already. "Ry - Ryan," I gasp as he slams into me and slowly pulls out again. "Please."

I can't see Ryan, but I can almost sense the grin that emerges on his lips. And I never thought of myself as the kind that would beg, but I did and I'm fucking glad I did. Ryan begins a steady but fast rhythm. It's much more satisfying, and I just let myself go with it, my mind consisting of mostly nothing but a series of fuck, fuck, fuck, this is good. I carefully begin to move myself against him, and when I realise it makes it even better I fully begin to fuck myself on Ryan's cock.

When Ryan finally reaches for my cock and starts stroking me, I already feel on the edge of exploding. I let out a moan, and try to thrust against his cock as well as his hand, which doesn't work but speeds up his movements. Ryan moans and bites my shoulder as he thrusts into me deep and hard.

Ryan's hand is skilfully jerking me off, and it seems like all the warmth in my body is gathering to one spot, and it's getting hotter and hotter and it's almost boiling now. I'm barely conscious of what is happening, it just feels too good. Ryan thrusts in, and his hand moves over my cock and that's all it takes. I cry out against the mattress, and my voice is a mix of surprise and lust. My muscles spasm, my whole body shakes and I come on the sheets beneath me. Ryan curses as I clench around him and he keeps fucking me after I've come, soon thrusting forward almost violently. He comes with a low moan, his hips jerking slightly.

We stay still for a few moments, and I'm slowly getting my brain to function again. Fuck. When Ryan pulls out, it burns and I bite my lip determined not to make a sound. Once he's out, I immediately realise how sore I am. But fuck that was worth the pain. I collapse on the bed and turn on my back. I'm still trying to catch my breath as I blink my eyes and focus them on Ryan.

Ryan is sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling the condom off. He is still breathing heavily and when he turns to look at me, I see he's got hair stuck to his sweaty forehead. Our eyes meet and I just stare at him and I want to say something like "Wow," or maybe even "I love you," but even I know that'd be the hormones talking.

Ryan stands up, and in the glow of the dark room my eyes go over his bare ass. Ryan looks at me over his shoulder.

"You can stay if you want," he says in monotone. "I'm going for a shower."

Without another word or look my way, Ryan walks out of the room. I remain still on his bed, still feeling Ryan's warmth on my skin, and I blink stupidly as I stare after him.

Oh. I see. Ok...

I turn my eyes upwards and stare at the ceiling, naked and alone.

Of course I stay. Now that my body is returning to its normal state, I realise I'm too sore to move much. I turn on my stomach to keep the aching from getting worse.

I expect Ryan to come back. For the first hour I do, anyway. Then I realise no one showers for an hour, and that Ryan isn't coming back. I don't fall asleep, I just stay still breathing in the sheets beneath me, and they smell like Ryan. I don't move, because my ass hurts less that way.

I just lost my virginity. The last kind of virginity I now realise I was holding onto. I didn't need it to be special, I didn't expect that it would be...but I thought that losing it to Ryan would be special. It wasn't. It was flesh against flesh, an exchanging of bodily fluids, an exchanging of body heat; Ryan made it damn clear that's all it was.

That's all it was.

A sickening, horrified feeling sets in my stomach with every minute that passes by. Weeks upon weeks dreaming of Ryan and...I sell myself for a fucking record deal. Is this how badly I wanted to be signed? I'm not so sure anymore.

What about Ryan and me? What about the times I went over to talk to him and he'd smile at me? They stand for nothing now.

I think I made a mistake.

At 6:50 I get up. I haven't slept at all; I've been waiting for Ryan to come back to bed. But he's not coming back. I've known it for some hours now, but getting up would have made it too real. Though I've got nothing to lose anymore.

I gather my clothes from the floor, and dress myself in shame. The clothes hide the bite marks on my shoulders, my stomach. I wince slightly as the pain of my backside becomes more apparent when I move. The pain is a reminder of what I've done. And then there's the other pain, it's less physical but even more prominent, eating away inside me, eating away at the inside of my heart.

I carefully open the bedroom door and walk out. I walk back into the living room and see Ryan sitting in the square with his back to me.

Ryan has got dressed, and a cloud of smoke surrounds him. The room smells of weed. He is watching TV on mute, some old black and white film. He doesn't react to the sound of my footsteps.

I walk closer to him, walking from behind him to the side of the couch he's sitting on. I stop and wait for him to acknowledge my presence. The only light is the weak morning sun outside, and the artificial colours that reflect on Ryan's features from the TV. When he doesn't look my way, I begin to think that maybe he just wants me to leave, but my heart won't let me.

"Hi," I say quietly. It's just one word, but it's more of a question. My voice is full of rejection and pain, I can hear it and my heart certainly feels it. Ryan doesn't flinch.

I look at the ashtray on the coffee table full of joint stubs. Ryan keeps his eyes on the TV with a joint between his fingers.

I try again. "Hey," I say, a little louder this time.

First I think Ryan still hasn't heard me, but after a few seconds he turns his head to look at me. His eyes look my way blindly, dilated and unfocused. I've seen Ryan high before but he'd never acted any different, it never seemed to affect him. But by the look of it, Ryan has been smoking ever since he left the bedroom, and he isn't even aware of his surroundings anymore.

Ryan's eyes focus on me. "Oh," he states slowly, "you're still here."

He turns away with disinterest and continues watching the film on TV. He takes the joint to his lips and inhales. He chuckles at what's happening on the screen. I stand there for a few moments, but Ryan has forgotten all about me. And I certainly have forgotten what the hell I am doing here.

Without making a sound, I slowly turn around and make my way to the entrance hall. Once there, I quickly go to the lift, pressing the open button.

"Come on, come on, come on," I beg, trying to fight the feeling that is threatening to make my voice break.

The doors open and I go in. The moment the doors close and the lift starts going downwards, the first sob shakes my frame.

For the record deal...I did it for the record deal.