little more time ; i. sae √

005

you just could not tell them .. it was too difficult . although , maybe tokimitsu might understand already , since he knows everything about you . but sae ? he does not have to know .

" you can tell anyone , but don't think they'll support you if you need help . they'll just use your own words against you . they'll use your mental issues as a topic when they speak with other people . they are all the same . "

that was what your mother had told you last year , you tried not to believe though , but the thoughts kept flowing through your mind .

it's like metal chains tightening your heart , it feels like your heart could be squeezed apart . it felt as though an anchor was trying it's best to make your heart sink , very deeply . it was painful , you had multiple thoughts of ending it once , and you did . you tried , it failed . instead of asking why you did that , your mother waited until you got out of the hospital to give you a lecture .

why couldn't she at least slowly talk to you about it ? why did she always have to blame you for everything ? it's not your fault , you knew that . but yet , you couldn't help but blame yourself for everything you gone through .

would it have been different if you didn't exist ? what if you were just sent to an adoption center , would that be better ?

oh how you wished that you could reset your whole life and try again , like a video game , where you could have multiple endings .

but that's impossible , you have to face reality . face your fate .

you just wanted a loving family . yes , anri was always trying her best for you , you could almost call her your mother . but it was just not enough . you wanted to push yourself , you wanted to be good enough for your mother . you wanted her love .

" it's not what it looks like .. " you said , stuttering in-between words . there was no explanation for what you were doing , you were caught red-handed .

sae had a furious but concerned looked plastered on his face as he takes your arm , finding out that there were many scars on it .

" you .. how long ? how long have you been doing this ..? " sae said as he lets go of your hand , he had never thought you were living a hell of a life . he always thought that you had it easy .

tokimitsu sits at one corner , listening to the conversation while feeling guilty for not finding out sooner .

" look . it's not your fault . " sae sighed , his words caused your eyes to widen . you have been telling yourself it was not your fault the entire time , but nobody else had ever said your thoughts out face-to-face .

'' i know . " you said as your tears started flowing out once again as you look at the scars you had created for yourself .

sae's neutral face turned into a slight frown as he sees you cry . he felt guilty that he was stubborn to not apologize for a small matter when you were suffering this way .

you didn't want to tell them the reason . but why ?

" once you tell your little friends about your stupid problems , they would call you an attention seeker . "

that's what you thought to yourself . well , you weren't exactly sad all the time . during school , hanging out with some people you know makes your thoughts dissapear , but whenever you came back home , the thoughts all come back .

it was suffocating . it was killing you . you hated the feeling , you wanted to get rid of it . it's no use , you keep thinking . no use at all .

sure , the smile on your face , the laughs you shared with the group chat and your classmates were genuine , but you felt like you were just .. there . you know ? you felt like you're only included in the conversations because you were the class monitor .

what would've happened if you were just a normal average student ? you wouldn't know . all your life , you had spent your time on being the most perfect person , trying to catch the attention from your mother , but as you got older . you realized . you realized it was useless , she loved her other family more than you and anri . she was only back home because she still had custody of us and had to take care of us , our father still hasn't found out what mother has been doing the past few years .

you would tell your father , but you were too afraid .

" y/n , speak . don't just sit there . " sae spoke in a soft tone , he didn't want you to feel threatened .

" i won't do this again , sorry . " you apologize , turning towards sae and tokimitsu .

the rain started to pour very heavily . it made the atmosphere even more depressing . you lowered your head .

" like i said , it's not your fault . "

" y-yeah! it's not your fault y/n .. you don't d-deserve this ! " tokimitsu frowned in worry . he wasn't great at comforting others as he would feel sad as well , so he had to just agree with sae .

you could feel your heart beating and your breath was getting faster . you wanted to cry again . tokimitsu and sae hugs you as anri leaned against the frame of the door , smiling at the wholesome interactions .

" it's not your fault . " sae and tokimitsu say in unison .

im not okay 😁