The Secrets She Kept

The Secrets She Kept - Chapter 17

The steady beep of the heartbeat monitor was comforting. It meant she was still here. She was still alive. And yet, the wheeze of her breath with each inhale and the paleness of her skin only fed the well of panic within me. Mum had always seemed all powerful – even as her memories were leeched away one by one. Yet, fate was trying its damn hardest to remind me that she was just as human as the rest of us.

Hovering just inside the curtains surrounding Mum's bed, my nails bit into my legs through my work trousers. The pain of the pinch kept me grounded even if it seemed like I could drown.

My chest was tight. My head spinning as I fought against the panic circling through my mind. It was too much. This was the reality I hadn't wanted to see. Not now. Not ever.

The smell of disinfectant and something I could only describe as sickness surrounded me. Flooding my nose and overwhelming all of my senses, there was no escape. I could even taste it.

Richie's hand slipped into mine. His touch was warm. It was almost burning hot around my hands which were cold as if they had been submerged in ice. I squeezed his hand in silence. My gaze was locked on the hospital bed and there was no looking away. I wasn't sure I could have spoken then if I had tried.

Instead, we stood in silence as my throat worked to clear the imaginary obstruction.

She just looked fragile – like she would break at the lightest of touches.

I shivered. Gently, Richie tugged me closer, the warmth of his body seeping into mine. It held back the numbness threatening to take over. Only just. My fingers flexed around his.

"There's so many wires." I croaked out the words, my eyes blinking rapidly against the wave of tears threatening to fall.

All of this was said from several feet away. There was no attempt to close the distance. No attempt to touch her.

Though she looked fragile, somehow I knew I would be the one to break if I got too close.

I couldn't break now. Not with Richie here. I had already shown him my weaknesses before. I couldn't do it again. I had to be strong. Even if I had never felt weaker in my life, my heart ripped open and vulnerable for all to see.

Richie did nothing to fill the air between us. Only the music of the machines and Mum's rasping breaths filled the room. Or could they be mine? I was certainly finding it hard to breathe. Each inhale was taking a concentrated effort.

"I don't know what I will do without her." I gasped, my fingers tightening around Richie's. It was as if he would leave in a moment if I let him go so I just held on tighter.

He didn't complain. Instead, his thumb rubbed in soothing circles on the back of my hand.

After what seemed an eternity, I stepped closer to Mum's bed. Refusing to release him just yet, I tugged Richie along with me. He was my life raft and I was unwilling to let go. Not now. I didn't need him, of course. His hand was just keeping mine warm.

Even I didn't believe that.

I stopped at her side, my hand coming to rest on the rail beside her. Mum's eyes were closed, her breath continuing to rattle with each juddering rise and fall of her chest. She looked frail. Her skin papery and thin as she lay there, surrounded by the scratchy hospital sheets she would hate.

Reaching out my free hand, I brushed the grey hairs from her face before pressing a kiss to her warm brow. As I pulled away, I noted the slight bluish tinge her lips. The way that her skin almost hung off of her cheek bones giving her a gaunt appearance. She had aged a decade in less than a week. The illness was taking a heavy toll on a body and there seemed to be no stopping it.