LIKE A PORNSTAR - AN ATTACK ON TITAN FANFICTION

II

I have been acting tough lately, smoking a lot of cigarettes lately. Unfortunately, inside I'm still a baby. I still love my mommy, though we don't talk like we used to. I still have weak spots in my head. I recognize I'm only nineteen and I still have a lot of maturing to do. That's why I want to cherish my youth until it runs out. I don't have much time to really live.

I'm vulnerable, loveable, and troubled, but I'm not a robot. Marina and The Diamonds taught me this lesson through this song. I play 'I Am Not A Robot' on full blast from hanging stereo. Coincidentally, I am smoking a cigarette. I'm also nude in my bed, enjoying the bare sunlight from my wide window. I blow smoke from my lungs as tears stream down my hot cheeks. However, a smile still breaks through the heartache.

A hot shower every morning to cleanse the filth of the previous night. I like it military style, soaking in soap as I scrub my face with a clinical acne mask. If I'm in the mood, I'd jack off. Today, I'm not. My cock is softer than my soul right now. Marina repeats the word 'sex' in my waterproof earbud, finally getting to the third chorus where she speaks to me again.

"All my life, I've felt it deep inside of me!" I rock my body with her wavering voice. "All this time, was fighting for what I believe." I sing with her, belting out, "All this time I've tried to hide what," my voice rises, "history has given me..." My head lowers under the stream of hot water. "Me."

I come out of the bathroom dressed in my new green tracksuit. It's silky and striking, matching with my new neon green high sneakers. I feel fly, scrolling through the playlist of Marina's album 'Electric Heart', struggling to choose what to play next in my ear. They all talk to me in some way. I mindlessly walk into the living room, flopping on the couch. Just as I got comfortable, Mom emerges from the open kitchen. She stops above me, tilting her head and staring. I pluck an earbud out, "What?"

"Where is your rent?"

"I have it, Ma. It's not payday yet."

"Oh, but you can buy new clothes when you're supposed to be paying rent?"

I sit up. "Ma, I have the money."

"Give it to me."

I stare back, biting my inner lip. "No."

"No?" Mom frowns, shaking her head in confusion. "What do you mean? You pay us to stay here."

"I pay Dad to stay here. He told me to only give him the rent money." My fingers bunch together. "Sorry, Ma. Go yell at Dad."

She leans in, snarling her teeth, "You're a fucking faggot, Eren."

"Woah!" My jaw drops. Mom just walks back to the kitchen, continuing to chop onions. I could only drop my jaw and stare wide eyed. Fury rides up my abdomen. My jaw clenches and my face tenses up. "Fucking..." I mumble. I can't yell back because it's not her.

Mom had her first stroke April 30th, 2012, the day Marina released 'Electric Heart'. She was not the same woman after. Before, she was sweet, attentive, and touched me lovingly. That day, I came home from school, and she was fine. Suddenly, while she was cooking dinner, she collapsed. Dad wasn't home yet from the hospital; a horrible car crash kept him over in the emergency room. I didn't know what to do, but I knew she wasn't okay when half her face drooped. The ambulance took way too long to come.

She had a blood clot in her brain. She was deprived of oxygen to her brain. Her brain attacked her physicality and personality. Mom recovered in a wheelchair with a brand-new bitchy persona. I thought I was mad all the time. I thought I was the one who needed help. Then it became my mom. Some days I wonder if younger me gave her a stroke. I was only eleven when she first had an hemorrhage in her brain. When she first changed.