MEGA Smut-Shots

The Sharpest Tool In The Shed (Shrek x Lord Farquaad)

A/N- Lord Farquaad is alive 4 da sake of the plot, m'kay?

....

Ever since the banishing of Lord Farquaad from his kingdom, the only thing on his mind was none other than the infamous: Shrek, and a feeling of utmost regret and remorse. Regret and remorse of course, due to the way he once treated the fellow ogre. Since he couldn't just forgive and forget, he decided to pluck up his remaining courage to send him an invite to a South African Jungle Safari.

(On him of course)

**Fast forward to 2 days later**

Shrek soon receives the letter and is confused, due to the obvious fact that when they last had met, Farquaad had shown signs of hatred and resentment towards Shrek himself. Nonetheless, he accepted, as curiosity got the best of him. He sent his reply and waited.

**Fast forward another 2 days later**

Lord Farquaad got the letter and was ecstatic! He hopped on the next plane to South Africa, and met Shrek there. 

Midway through the trip, Lord Farquaad starts to unveil lost feelings for Shrek, he hadn't known he still had, but quite to his demise, Shrek was taken, he had a life, a wife, and kids along those lines as well (Three, to be precise). But that didn't stop his heart from accelerating at the very thought of his boo: Shrek. Soon enough, the plane landed.

**Fast forward to the reunion with Shrek**

Both Shrek and Lord Farquaad exchanged knowing glances and greetings as they left the airport. And wow, just wow, Lord Farquaad didn't know Shrek had changed all that much to the last time they had seen each other, and well, to put it simply: He was a hella chunk of a hottie 🥵

Lord Farquaad couldn't help but notice how spectacularly refined his muscles and jaw looked under the blazing, glistening, South African sun, and how much taller and stronger he appeared, he would be lying if he said that that didn't do something to his friend downstairs. (;

Midway through the exploration of the unique safari, Farquaad's thoughts were fixated on the refined hunkay chunkay fellow who stood beside him.

"Nice place they got here huh?" Shrek playfully nudged Farquaad's elbow.

"Y-yeah! It's real nice..." Farquaad trailed off, as his eyes were set on the gorgeously sculpted brown orbs, Shrek's eyes, for far too long now.

"You okay there?" Shrek wondered, as he noticed Farquaad's mind wandering to some places hidden deep within the depth of his eyes.

"O-oh yeah! Totally, like super alright" Farquaad babbled, forcing his eyes to fixate somewhere other than Shrek's breathtaking appearance.

"Okayyy? Let's skip the small talk here, how have you been? What's up with life? I wanna know everything from where we last left off" Shrek chuckled, while giving Farquaad a sincere smile that had enough power to just about kill him.

Farquaad couldn't help but blush a scarlet red amongst his pale cheeks while his eyes locked with his one and only true love.

"Well, where do I start? After they banished me from Duloc, I simply got out there and started working a pretty stable job, it doesn't pay much, but it's enough to get me through the basics. I live in an okay-sized apartment in the border of La La Land, life's looking up I guess"

"That's a pretty great thing you got there, Farquaad" Shrek smiled.

"What about you?" Farquaad asked his green boo.

"Well I suppose all is pretty good as well, I got Fiona at home, and Fergus, Farkle and Felicia just turned four about a month ago, and Donkey's not so bad at this whole 'Dad thing' I guess, he's got his flaws, sure, but he's actually on the right track. Also dragon's putting up quite wel-" 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

In a split second Shrek was on the floor, pain pulsing through his veins. He had just got bitten by a venomous snake on his one-of-a-kind thick, green, sausage.

"OH MY GOD SHREK ARE YOU OKAY?! I'LL CALL AN AMBULANCE!" Lord Farquaad was panicking, he couldn't lose him, he just couldn't. The guilt of Shrek dying here and being alone without his wife and kids, he would never see his godly face ever again, the thought was already clawing at him from the inside.

"I read an article, that you can stop poison from spreading by sucking on the bite" Shrek managed to choke out, pain overtaking his senses.

"So what? You want me to suck your icky-sticky meat stick?!" Lord Farquaad couldn't even believe he was awake. Was he dreaming?

"Yes! Goddamnit, yes! I like you, and this could save my life and fulfill my fantasy!" Shrek proclaimed.

Farquaad's heart skipped 8 beats. Did they both have the same thoughts and desires for the past 3 years? And had felt the same way about each other? Now, he really must've been dreaming.

"Ever since I laid my eyes on you, my eyes have never been blessed with anyone else, you are my light and what pushes me to live every day, even if it didn't seem that way 3 years ago, and I truly apologize for that, I desire you Shrek" Farquaad awkwardly confessed with a chuckle.

"Wow... I never knew that. Well, there's no more time to waste babe, get to it Farky-kins" Shrek commented slyly.

Farquaad got to work. Shrek was now pant-less, his hard (and now swollen) length pushing through the thin fabric of his boxers. He slid those off too, and WOW, huge isn't even in comparison to his MAGNUM DONG. Farquaad made eye contact with Shrek as he slowly licked off the dripping pre-cum from the tip of his dong, while Shrek was squirming and groaning under his touch.

In a split second, he went all in, swallowing him whole, his eyes wanting to roll all the way to the back of his head, as he fiddles with his balls. Bobbing his head up and down. Licking, sucking, and kissing his super, magnum, and green dong. Moans and groans erupting from Shrek every few seconds (they sounded like heaven).

Soon enough, after Shrek finishing multiple times, the ambulance finally arrived. Shrek's swelling was already down and didn't hurt that much anymore. (They still went to the hospital tho) The sexual tension in the ambulance as they drove grew and grew until Shrek couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Come here Farky, and hop on" Shrek said as he eyed Farky up and down, and round and round.

Farquaad eagerly took off his pants and boxers and sat on his dingle dangle. And GODDAMN, it felt euphoric. He bounced up and down, his ass clapping against Shrek's muscular thighs. Farquaad was convinced he was in heaven, there couldn't be anything in the world that felt better than him bouncing on Shrek.

Soon later, Shrek flipped them over and he was slamming into Farquaad with full force. He could feel his eyes rolling to the back of his head. The ambulance was probs shaking at this point.

"I told you, I'm an all-star Far-Far" Shrek moaned seductively.

"OH FUCK. SHREKYYYY!!" Farquaad screamed, a pool of white underneath them.

Then the ambulance stopped, they arrived to the hospital, and turns out that Shrek was okay. That article really helped.

....

A/N 

Word count: 1220 words

We personally think this is pretty good considering this was our first time writing smth together. This was also the idea that started this book so yaaa pretty cool so it defo needed to be the 1st chapter. What do y'all think of the first chapter ma dudes? Hope u guys stick around and read the rest of these chapters. BAAAIIIIII!!!!