Val (vents about life.)

Vent #4

Well today i had to go to lamar and walk around barefoot because while i was playing around i hit the ground to hard and the strap to my shoe fell but but i didnt have any extras. I was in lamar to do stuff for my grandmas funeral. Its in may. I have to miss school for it though. We werent even that close. I dont want to go. I want to stay with my friends. Today i also left a group on snapchat. I only did it because i felt unwelcome there. They kept deleteing their messages while i wasnt there, and i overall felt unwelcomed. Its like they didnt want me to know what they were talking about. Like they were talking about me behind my back ir they dont trust me. And i dont what that. But it might just be my overthinking but it feels like its not. Then on monday people were trying to get me on a call while i was sick and throwing up. That added extra stress on to my pile. And i feel like i cant tell them any of this because im the "happy-go-lucky therapist friend who has everything they could ever need." but thats not true. Im faking my smile for them. Its all for them. I dont even feel like i belong. I feel like none of me belongs. I feel like their all to good for me and i dont deserve them, which is true. I just wish i could be somebody else. Somebody who actually has all the support and love they need, somebody who doesnt get picked on for acting younger than they are. Somebody who isnt suspected of having an eating disorder. Someone who is accepted by their family, someone who doesnt care how they are viewed by other people. Someone who doesnt pick at their neck until they bleed as a nervous habit. Someone whos actually good at the stuff they do. All im saying is that i dont want to be me. i feel like everyone would be better off without me. Even if they say otherwise, its just what this little voice in the back of my head keeps saying and i cant get it to shut up. It wont stop. Why wont it stop? Im trying to be the best i can but why wont it stop?...