Spinning Out

Chapter 42

JAINA

Nathan and I sit in the back of the courtroom as Elijah watches his best friend be taken away. His chin quivers and tears run down his face as Bryant is once again cuffed and ushered out. Before he is lead through the door and back into the courthouse holding cells, he glances over his shoulder to his friend one last time. The regret on his face is clear. His eyes are bloodshot and his chest heaves as he tries to hold back the sobbing that is trying to break free.

I remember the helpless feeling each time Nathan had been pushed down the hospital hallway, out to the large machines that would tell us the next awful thing he would have to overcome to heal. I cried tears just as heavy as Elijah's and begged whatever god was listening to please keep him safe until he could be free again. Free of the machines and the oxygen, free of the tests and diagnoses, and free of the whole ordeal that landed him in that depressing room.

Nathan's hand reaches for mine. Our fingers intertwine and he gives me a squeeze. Just as quickly he lets me go and whispers over the commotion of the room.

"It's ok," he tells me.

"I'll be back," I assure him. Standing, I make my way to where Elijah is and place my -palm on his back. I feel his chest struggling to take in air. My friend was almost taken from me without any warning and by no fault of my own. Elijah is in a different kind of pain. This sentencing has been difficult, and the future is still unclear for them both.

Bryant stops moving. His eyes search for someone else in the crowd. He finds his mother's face, and his father's, but it's not who he's looking for. He nods to them but continues searching until he locks eyes with Nathan. The court officer motions for him to keep moving, but he has so much to say with just a look. My own gaze moves from him to Nathan. And while my best friend does not owe him his forgiveness, I see it all over his face. This is why I love him. This is why I'm so grateful he has more time with us. Nathan smiles and nods his head as if to say once more, "it's ok."

Bryant turns and allows himself to be led out of the room. Elijah covers his face with his hands, and I wrap my arms around him. We are all too young to have to witness any of this, but as I've learned this last year, the universe doesn't care about how old you are, how deserving of another experience, or how impossible it feels at the time to survive these big moments. They come no matter what and don't discriminate against anyone for any reason. The court room talk raises in volume as people gather their items and go on with their lives. I hold Elijah.

"I'm going to speak with his lawyer," Bryant's father says strongly, yet quietly as he makes his way past us and out into the hallway. His mother follows behind.

"We should go," I tell Elijah.

"I know," he answers. He's in my arms and I'm in his, as if neither of us trust his ability so stand through this storm. He's been there for me, and I will be here for him as long as it takes.

My eyes are closed as I hear Nathan's voice from beside us. "Let's go hear what comes next," he says. Nathan's hand is firm on Elijah's back. We're all friends now. Three lives intertwined on one fateful night.

Elijah pulls himself together. The court room has mostly empty and other than a few reporters who are waiting to see our reactions, the old wooden benches are cleared. The judge has left also, quickly as if he's trying to avoid having to watch the aftermath of two lives destroyed in one second. Nathan will soon be mostly recovered, his life back on track with just a few lasting impacts. He won't get back the time he spent away from the world. Bryant's time is just beginning.

I stare at the door where Bryant has disappeared. I imagined this moment so differently. While I sat by Nathan's side in the hospital, my hand in his unmoving hand, I imagined I'd finally feel relief. I daydreamed about the moment the man responsible for his injuries would be a horrible person who cared nothing about the people who he hit. I knew I'd want him to suffer. I'd want the judge to lock his cell and throw away the key. Life has a funny way of showing you how wrong you could be.

Bryant isn't a horrible person. He is a teen who was struggling with his own demons. He was little boy playing a big kids' game and it got away from him. He should have been at his prom like us, or at some fast food-drive through in a car he borrowed from his parents. Instead, his poisoned brain was seeking dopamine in the most dangerous ways. He meant no harm but gave control to something outside of him. Just how much that decision will ultimately cost him is still to be determined. I want him clean and sober, but I don't want him locked away forever.

Outside the court room the hallway is filled with people who have no idea what these past few months have been like for us. They aren't paying attention to the fact that a few walls separate two groups of people—those of us have been through hell and it's come to some sort of end in that room, and those of them who left the room to just to begin the worst of theirs. I watch as Elijah listens in on the conversation with Bryant's lawyer and parents and in this moment, I realize in this building are also people who are tied to both. Elijah has suffered with me, and he will now suffer with Bryant. Sometimes the cells that lock the guilty away, imprison the innocent with them.