Smile

h e c t o r

I read a book with this name and related so much because I'm dense just like you Hector.

Sometimes I'm sharper than my pencil point during my exams in primary school and other times I make a total fool out of myself by stuttering and not grasping concepts so quickly.

I gave birth to you after a part of me strayed. You were a painful delivery, horizontal and larger than the normal size of a child, I barely survived you.

And when I held you I wasn't filled with joy like most parents were, you were different and your aura was too intense for even me the adult. I knew I couldn't handle you but I saw some good in you, somewhere, anywhere.

Everything I thought about you was right and I was doubtful the moment you learned how to talk. You called me stupid and told me my naivety would get me used, killed and forgotten. But my patience was more than the words of a toddler, I was stronger and older and maybe wiser but the ominous warning underneath your words only meant that I was a fool.

I would laugh with the people around me and smile when they held my hand or managed the bare minimum to showcase their care and attention. I would come home to you forgetting that you're a part of me Hector, sitting on the plush rug with a frown too advanced for your baby soft flesh.

I knew what your looks meant, I should have some self respect and courage but I loved the little ignorance I had and I held on to things longer because that was me Hector, I was comfortable and wasn't adamant on change.

Days lumped together and I couldn't tell Tuesday from Sunday, time moved too quickly and my gas tank ran on empty. I cried like a child away from you and fed myself the denial over and over again.

"You know they're probably in their homes, laughing and enjoying their lives and youths. And you're here," I couldn't hide my tear stained face and the image of your small self blurred through the assault of salt waterfalls. "crying about being in the background and an afterthought. You're doing this to yourself even if you don't like the pain because you still believe you're needed."

Static fills my ears and the bulb above my head bursts and rains glass on my head. It hurts just like the truth— just like your words...

Just like all of you.

You're not dense Hector, I was wrong and you're far from that. You're a blessing, a brash one but a blessing. You're smart and you see things that I can't and I am grateful but that's all you are.

You lack my compassion, my soft heart and pity. Your small feet pad away like you didn't just rip my delusional world to shreds, you didn't ask how that makes me feel, you didn't ask how I am.

You're harsh and truthful and that's your end.

Coddling and everything in between belongs to a hollow place in my chest, a piece of me I haven't birthed or even found.

A week became a day to me— an endless day of reoccurring suns and starlight. The loneliness kills me slowly but the pain would end me in a swift blow. I realise my mistake and hold onto you Hector, I won't let you leave even when my soft heart doesn't let me listen to you.

I am not needed outside the safe zone we know Hector. And throughout this time you give little encouragement and sympathy to me, you're firm and it all sounds like advise.

I alone am dense.

I'm numb everywhere and I run from the places that bring me ache. I detach and struggle to rebuild in silence— I disappear poorly as I am flesh and blood and infiltrate a hand full of memories.

Hector I don't know where you came from, you tell me I can be like you too with time. But I am scared,

How can I cure stupid, Hector?