There was something about the leather jacket I put on today— wasn't warm or the best quality but it called to me, it was affordable and my wallet agreed despite the little hole that exposes my tan skin at every wave.
Every song I hated was blaring over the speaker from the house behind me but for some reason, I was floating, enjoying every astral plane I was flying through in a gentle soar and flap of my wings because it was just that— good and misjudged by a more sane version of me.
And when I take a whiff of my fingers they smell like my ex, perfumed and smoke clung bitch with an art for pretending. Her aesthetic drew me in and we bonded over the saner parts of life and ourselves, she was beautiful and I loved her.
Everything I said was funny and she was easily the most boring person I've ever met but I loved her. Her uninteresting personality made her less of a target for terrible greedy people and I'd thought that maybe I found the one.
But enough about scaly dark skins out for blood— this is about you.
Sweet sweet MaryJane.
The roach with me is enough to take me far away and I was happy enough to steal her away. She didn't need to be kissed by everyone sitting in a cult circle and talking about things that didn't make me feel.
The dopamine was enough but I needed more for where I was going. The gates would remain closed if I didn't surrender completely— I deserved this, I deserved to be happy.
"Are you good?" It wasn't my voice and it sounded so distant and underwater. Brent sits without my invite and he looks good, better everyday and his cologne and trimmed beard didn't help the fact that I should be on the other side of this gathering— away from whatever he thinks this is.
I'd forgotten what words meant for what emotion— the question was too complex so I smiled and nodded. Brent didn't have a ticket for where I was going and he could stare at me like that all he wanted but he couldn't hurt me.
The first drag takes my throat in a choke hold and the second knocks me backwards till my neck cranes and I'm gazing into clear skies and choking on fresh air. Mary throws me at death's door and promises it's just to tease me and she knows I shamelessly enjoy this part, the torture— the thrill of almost dying just to be brought back by a safe word— spasm from cerebrum dearest.
I smile at everything and the heaviness seems nonexistent— I'm in and I don't intend to leave soon. It's better here, calmer and I don't care about anything, not even you Brent.
Your gaze questionable, you look hurt because you're behind the bulletproof glass and I'm invincible. "You've been distant."
That seems to make an earthquake disrupt the quiet and I bite my lip. The pain doesn't dwell for long, I control the situation, everything and I don't relinquish power to the unfeeling. A million possible answers to indulge comes and passes like a film—
"I'm tired." I smile and rock my knees. I wouldn't lie but I would dismiss you.
Maybe I can't handle your loss because at some point I loved you more than I would a friend. Why else would I be so possessive and selfish, am I wrong? Is something wrong with me Brent?
There is, I know there is but that's not enough to make me falter. You made our home a community center for everyone that didn't matter to lick their wounds because you're a better person than I am. And I'm bitter and silently watch you do it because in the morning there was no harm in it.
Slowly you expanded and you created a healthy utopia that slowly didn't include me. Doing what you did made you happy and—
"Let's go inside." You're back to your normal tone, you think nothing is wrong and I don't blame you, my oscars is behind my bookcase.
"I don't want to leave here." My voice is like a gust of wind interwoven with the pain that's slipped through the bulletproof glass. I don't expect you to know that I'm drowning even if I outright tell you through vacuums of salt and water.
I can feel your head shake and you disappear. You should've hugged me like I would've hugged you— I feel like I've been sitting here for days.
Before the last drag that'll transcend me to the moon hits me I realize that I'm not needed in the bubble you've built around yourself.
YOU ARE READING
Smile
Poetry"I've lived life through other people and broken off a piece of me for them to keep." Letters that explain what lips simply can not and understanding to those patient enough to read them word for word.
