Kim felt as though someone was tearing her apart from the inside, and it worsened each time she looked at Danny. The two were courting, with the intention to become betrothed. It was everything that Kim wanted...and yet, the opposite of what she desired at the same time.
Kim found it all so very confusing. She was not sure what she wanted anymore. She had grown up believing that she desired a husband who would be a king, who would bring her to sociable events, and who would give her children who would be royals. But that was not Danny. Danny did not seem to desire those things.
He stated that he desired an equal, someone whom he could hold, talk to, and share life's simplicities with. Kim could not understand it. Danny was a prince. She had been brought up to believe that all princes married for politics, and that she could expect her future husband to treat her like a prize trophy. That she would be dressed up and shown off when the need arose, but then she would be stored away and ignored. Kim expected nothing more, and nothing less. But Danny did not seem to wish for this.
Kim felt confused and guilty. Each time Danny smiled at her, she thought she might throw up. Guilt gnawed at her insides. Guilt, that this was not what her mother wanted for her. Guilt, that she was preventing Danny from finding and marrying the woman of his dreams. Guilt, that she did not deserve his affection. Guilt, that she secretly wanted this despite knowing that she shouldn't.
She was sure she looked a fright. Kim couldn't remember the last time she had a full night's sleep, but maybe that was for the best. Maybe if she looked awful Danny would change his mind and would refuse to marry her. Maybe then he would find a different woman to marry. A woman who would make him realise that he had never loved Kim in the first place, who would be happy to live a simple life by his side, and who would love him with a guilt free heart. Kim knew that this thought should comfort her. Instead, it made her chest tighten so much that if she did not quickly distract herself, she found it difficult to breathe. And she knew this made her selfish, which added to her guilt.
Still, she hid it from Danny as best as she could. The man was being kind and Kim did not want to infect him with her guilt.
But she knew that he was making a bad decision. And sooner or later, Danny would wake up and realise it.
