words found in my dreams [WRITING PROMPTS/EXERCISES]

Katherine's wish - WRITING EXERCISE

I never wanted to be Queen, but here I am. I never wanted to die, but it happened all the same. I only ever wanted to be loved by him, yet it was that very wish which would be my undoing, and all for what? What did it achieve in the end? Why am I left here, lingering between life and death, still with the same wish residing in my heart, with the last few years playing on loop in my mind's eye, as though I were merely a passenger in my own body, as though I were an observer documenting the tragedy before me, as the story is told time and time again, as a fairy-tale to the young, as a cautionary tale to the wicked, as a lament for the mournful?

Katherine, I was in life, and now I remain a ghost to haunt these halls, but still I wish for something more, something different, as I recall how my life became a tragic tale, a dream which seemed, with the benefit of hindsight, to have always been some kind of hazy, surreal nightmare, from which I had always seemed to wake into, unable to escape the life of pawn by men who only sought to use me for their own ends, no matter the cost to my dignity and respect, as I were preyed on for my hopefulness, my desire to live a life happy, content, with a family all my own and a husband to love, to cherish, to stand beside always.

Even when I were young, as one of the youngest of a great deal many children in the Howard family, as the children of a youngest child, though my name offered me opportunities few had available to them in those days, my family and I still lived in relative poverty, having to beg, to bribe, to blackmail, to deceive, to use our cunning and connections to allow room for us at the table, to create a space for us among the elites of the era, among the rich, wealthy and social of the nobility. It had been then, as I had been offered such grand opportunities, that others had used me then to their own ends, as much as I were there to push myself further, to ensure that I had the talents and skills often associated with girls of the aristocracy; from lessons around the arts, languages, music and dance, I tried hard as I might, but it seemed that I would never be as the others were, never excel where they had seemed to do so without effort, as much as I had wished to be considered among those who stood out among our peers. It was my music teacher, my mentor, who had noticed me then, and all for the wrong reasons, though I had not known how wrong, how unnatural it was, how much it would heavy my heart, burdening my soul and conscience, though as he said he loved me and love me he did, I believed he were true in his intentions, however much I look back on that time in my life and realise, with an even heavier heart, as sadness threatens to overwhelm me so, that it was never love, not as I had wished it to be.

I wanted to be different, and as I look back out at the sights of the abandoned buildings, churches and castle grounds, as the world has moved on several centuries later, as the times have changed and women, girls, they have so much more they can accomplish now, all in their own right, by their own merit, with their own minds, without needing to consider the whims and wishes of the men around them, I still wish for change which shall never come, for it had not then, as I had moved on to another I had hoped would offer me a better life, who would love me as I had wanted to be loved. But it was wrong still, far more than that before, for I had not wanted it, had rejected it, had realised how terrible it made me feel, had much I had not wanted to be a part of it, had not wanted to partake in it, yet had been forced to do so anyway. Still, in my mind now, as I recalled it with horror, I remembered still how that secretary to the Dowager Duchess had called me wife, as I had called him husband, though still, it felt wrong, as it should have, as it would do so now. And, with a thankful feeling in my chest, as a lump forms in my throat, I had remembered how much I had been so angry, so furious as I were pulled away from my "husband," before we had the opportunity to exchange vows, as I were sent away, casted into the role of lady-in-waiting for a Queen, short-lived though she was, for she had escaped a sentence far greater than she could ever have imagined, as the Queen were cast aside when the King at the time had realised just how "hideous" she was, though, looking back, she seemed so beautiful to me, for she stood with such composure, such grace, against such a tall, large, imposing man such as Henry.