The Boy with the Scrambled Mind

Ego Death

I've gotten to the point in life if I were to experience anymore mental trauma that it would be the end of me, not suicide but something equally awful. A death of what makes me me, years of self loathing being told I'm nothing and don't mean anything and will never amount to anything and the deaths and betrayals of those I love most has taken pieces of me away bit by bit. Hating every aspect of myself despite always helping others, doing what I believe is right, and facing what I'm afraid of most to protect others it all doesn't matter. Nothing I do ever alleviates my self hatred. Every time something awful that happens to me since I was young I've experienced periods of being mentally gone, reality feels like a dream and I feel like I'm no longer alive. It's only gotten progressively worse as time goes on I experience it most of the day and night I try to fake it and blame it on issues like head injuries or mental disorders to cover up the actual issues I'm having because I don't like attention I don't want people to feel sorry for me I just want to disappear but there's no way of doing that without hurting someone else. I hope I can survive the inevitable death of my grandfather the only father figure I had and respected, the only man I've ever met that truly understands me and knows where I'm coming from with the issues I have. When he's gone I'll have absolutely nothing, and I'm losing faith that I can withstand his death mentally. I've always prided myself on mental and physical strength but I could do drugs to numb it all but I'd just lose myself in another way and it would be impossible to cover it up. People have noticed that I'm different that I seem weird or not all there, I just try to laugh it off but I'm so far gone that I can't come up with the words in the moment and I just make things worse. But if I don't make it, I hope that I'll be born in a different world where I don't have the issues I have now, a perfect face, a perfect body, a perfect mind. Because I was born with a greatly flawed mind, body, and face. My spine is deteriorating and so are my joints but I'm not even in my mid 20s, my face has been smashed in so many times it's embarrassing to show my face in public, my brain has been damaged by SIDS and multiple hits to the head in my youth and severe mental and verbal abuse by my parents and by other family members. I wanna be in a world where I can be someone that I can admire that's all I don't care about game, wealth or glory. I just want to be the best version of myself without anything crippling my potential as a person. If there is a God, I'm comfortable with him putting pity on me and granting my only wish that I want that's in self interest.