Darkroom [18+]

02 | Obsess

AURORA

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Monday morning, I'm eating breakfast while my father yells. Everyone in this house is fully aware of his growing volume, how every wisecrack from his mouth is meant specially for me. Sweet bread turning mush in my mouth, I wonder what all the other twenty-some-year-olds in the world are doing right now. Are they also having sit-downs with their families? Do they argue? Have to fight for a chance to speak at the table? Do their fathers also pound their fists against tables, a string of curses waiting on the next beat? Do they just sit and eat?

I watch as Henry pats his graying chin with his handkerchief. I note how his face sinks altogether—his deep-set eyes, a set of long pouches paired with everlasting creases underneath, jowls weighing the corners of his lips into a perpetual sulk.

His mouth opens and closes, judgments crawling out like a million little cockroaches, contaminating all the food on the table. Downing the rest of my orange juice, I eye him through the glass. It's most likely his rotting is from the consequences of natural aging, but sometimes I'd like to think the man is already dead. Here he is, decomposing right before me.

"For fuck's sake, Aurora." Henry's biting voice slides across the table and grabs me by the shoulders, yanking me conscious. "Are you hearing anything I'm telling you?"

"Not really," I answer honestly.

He throws his handkerchief onto his plate, his fingers shaping into fists against the table's edge. "We had an agreement," he lips. He doesn't elaborate on what exactly the agreement we had was. He doesn't have to. "You need to figure this out."

I fork the last piece of toast into my mouth, chewing and chewing and chewing. Henry scowls at me. Someone from the administrative department at my university called him this morning. I'm lacking credits. Something about not graduating on time. I should know what's at stake if I don't follow through. "We're already a month and a half into the semester," I start to talk. "Course adjustments are only allowed during the first couple of weeks."

"Whose fault is that?"

"I could say yours, but I don't think you'd like that."

Dropping a class last semester was his failing, not mine, though he would never see it that way. Towards the end of the school year, I received an email from the administrative department, letting me know I was receiving a failing grade for a couple of my classes. I was embarrassed. My ego took a hit when I was confronted about my lack of commitment to something I've always wanted to pursue. Before two slips went into the grade book, I cut the classes from my schedule, promising the university I'd make it up in the new year. Of course, between sessions with Vivian and my head still cavorting somewhere up in the clouds, I'd forgotten. I start to forget more and more these days about my place here.

Henry holds onto his rotting face. If only he and I were in this room, I'm sure he'd have already wrung my neck for how I've spoken to him in the last ten minutes, but with my mother and brother, Declan, beside me, he just lifts his chin with passivity.

His voice rolls out steadily as if he's not directly threatening me. "If you can't keep to your word, I don't see this through for you. Do you understand?" Once again, there's no further explanation, just the implication that Henry has no qualms with cutting me off and handing me over to Tryp.

I sit, blinking. The ring on my finger feels tighter and begins to cut off proper blood flow at the sound of this. I imagine this is what a noose taut around my neck would feel like as I kick the stool below me. Each overwhelming thought trolls in, and I instinctively look at my mother for help. She's supposed to tell me what to do here, what move I'm supposed to make, or at the very least, tell me how wonderful things could be if I just let myself enjoy it. But deep down, Kathleen feels all of this as a smarting pang in the chest. She'd never be able to admit any grievances out loud because my father is too much of an angry man. Too insatiable to let others breathe.