Faking Perfection

14|Comfort

𝟙𝟜|ℂ𝕠𝕞𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕥

I failed a test for the first time in my high school career.

The big fat red D has been plastered in my mind for the entirety of my day. I knew these studying techniques might not kick in right away. It was my first test by myself, and I knew the odds of passing were slim from all the nerves I had in that testing center, but it doesn't make me feel anything less than a failure.

Plus, Ms. Hurley was so shocked that I failed that she offered for me to retake it. She asked what was going on at home because Izzy Holden failing a test was unheard of. The only plausible explanation was my parents getting a divorce, or my brothers were severely injured.

I tried so hard, and it still wasn't enough. I'm stirring the grilled chicken in my salad around in countless circles when Christy sits next to me at our regular table in the quad, nudging me with her shoulder. "Are you still in a funk about Mason?"

My back stiffens just at the mention of his name. I haven't told anyone about the conversation we had a few days ago, but I guess I have been moping even prior to finding out I failed my test. I didn't even skip school with Willow today. She's at the mall shopping while I'm here eating a salad I don't even want.

The truth is, Mason has been very distant since our conversation, and I can't blame him. While he still has stuck to his word to help me study, it's strictly studying. No more gentle brushing of his leg against mine underneath the table, no more flirtatious glances in the hallway. He's pulled away, and for good reason.

Maybe it's because I genuinely trust Christy, but I find myself telling her the truth. "I just have a notorious way of fucking things up. I self-sabotage everything good that comes into my life."

"Why are you so reluctant to date him?" Christy takes a bite of her turkey sandwich, blinking curious blue eyes at me. "We've been friends for years, Iz, and despite what you think, you're nothing like Willow or some of the other cheerleaders. I've remained friends with you for a reason. You know that, right? Dating Mason isn't going to tarnish your reputation, or—"

"It's not that," I explain. "Dating Mason is out of the question because I can't keep my vagina in my pants. Like, ever. Whether you admit it or not, I have hoe tendencies. I flirt with every hot guy I see. It's in my DNA, quite literally. My Dad was the same way."

"Until he met your Mom," she says. "In high school, might I add?"

"Until he fucked it up," I shoot back. "It's not like I want to be like this. Ever since I met Mason I've...changed. Sometimes I don't even want to skip school anymore, and rather than partying, I'd rather go to the movies or stay inside and binge-watch a television show." I let out a breath and shake my head, hanging it into my hands like a dead weight. "I'm trying to figure out if maybe I've been doing the partying and skipping school thing to try and maintain my popularity because it's all I know how to be, and if I've been unsure of myself my entire life, how can I be certain that whatever I'm feeling for Mason is real?"

Christy nods along to my venting, acting like my personal counselor as I spill my feelings. When I'm finished, she brushes her chestnut ponytail over her shoulder, the corner of her mouth pulling upward. "Do you want to know what I think?"

Not really, based on her teasing smile, but I nod anyway.

"I think Mason is good for you, and I think ever since you've met him, you're back to the girl I used to know so well. The girl who would come over for sleepovers and we'd do face masks and stuff our faces with popcorn rather than get high and stay out all night." I'm blinking away tears, so she leans over to grab my hand and gives it a squeeze. "Not once since you've met Mason have I seen you flirt with any guy aside from Zane, but you've got a complicated...thing, so that's different. In my opinion, you're scared to take the jump because you don't want to fail him or fail yourself, but if you never try, you'll never find out."