It Could Be More | ✔

31. The Way We Are

Grayson was back again that weekend. I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. How was he supposed to find where he fit in at college if he came home every weekend? There was also the fact that seeing Gray only reminded me I'd been lying to him about Corey.

Was it still considered a lie if Corey and I weren't together anymore?

When I got back from the bookstore yesterday and placed my new books on my overstuffed bookshelf, the rush was gone. In the moment it felt good, but now I looked at the books and I got a heaviness in my stomach like I swallowed a boulder.

Corey hadn't yelled at me for spending his money. Either he hadn't noticed or he was working on getting a refund. I had money saved up from babysitting and selling nails. I could pay him back. But that required talking to him. I didn't think I was ready for that. I didn't think I could handle it.

"H?"

I startled at Gray's voice behind me. I'd been staring at my bookshelf for who knew how long. Was it too late to return the books? Did they even give refunds?

"This was on the door." He held out a blue card, a small pack of mini chocolate chip cookies attached.

My stomach flipped upside down. Why would Corey leave a note here? Did he not know Gray was home? I snatched the card away, thankful Corey never signed them. "Thanks."

Gray's brows pinched together. "Who are you getting love notes from?"

"No one." My face felt hot. I hated lying to him, but there was no point in telling him now. Corey and I weren't even together anymore.

My brother regarded me for a moment. I started to sweat under his stare, looking down at the carpet in case my face gave it away.

"It's from Corey," he said.

My head snapped up. That wasn't a question. It was a statement. He knew. My stomach launched itself in my throat only to drop like it was on its own person roller-coaster. He knew.

"You really weren't going to tell me?"

My brain tripped over itself, trying to make sense of what was happening right in front of me. "You know?"

He stepped further into my room, sitting in my desk chair. He didn't seem pissed off or annoyed. His expression was almost passive. That was a dead giveaway to how he was feeling. Gray was always on. Always the loudest, most expressive person in the room. He wasn't afraid to show his emotions. Unless, like now, he was battling with something internal.

He did the same thing after he found out about Shamika and Corey. Retreated into himself. But he was there, talking to me. That had to be a good sign, right?

"How did you find out?" I asked when he didn't reply. "When?"

"I knew something was up last weekend," he said, leaning back in the chair, but not looking up at me.

"You knew all week?"

"Not for sure. Corey was acting weird and emo. Then when Mama said you were walking around the house moping, I took a guess." He met my eye then. "I asked Corey about it and he told me."

Grayson knew about me and Corey and there wasn't any yelling or anger. But then why didn't I feel any relief?

I lowered myself onto my bed. "What did he tell you?"

He shrugged. "Nothing. That you broke up with him. What I don't get is why?"

He couldn't be serious. "You threatened any guy who has tried to ask me out. Corey included."

His lips tugged into an amused smirk. "He told you about that?"

"That's not funny, Grayson."

He chuckled to himself, tapping his fingers on my desk. "I've told you not to do a lot of stuff. That's never stopped you if it was something you actually wanted to do."

"Maybe I didn't actually want to be Corey." Even as I said it, I knew that wasn't true. Grayson knew it, too.

"Or maybe you're just scared."

I slit my eyes at him. "I'm getting sick of people saying that."

He put his hands up, palms out, in surrender. "I'm just saying. We're siblings. Same DNA. Even whatever part makes us do stupid stuff when we're trying to avoid change."

Us? "What are you talking about?"

He let out a breath, leaning his elbows on his knees. "We have the same problem. We both hate change. The way I've dealt with it was by not dealing with it. I tried to control people. Tried to make them stay exactly the same. Corey pointed that out."

"I told you the same thing," I grumbled, picking lint off my sock.

"You probably did," he admitted. "He was right, though. I made sure I was comfortable at the expense of others. And you're doing the same thing."

"Excuse me, but I don't go around threatening to beat up people." I said, flicking sock lint at him.

"Because instead of doing what I do, you run the other way. When things start to change, you distance yourself." He was animated, eye lit up like he finally understood the secrets to the universe. Or at the very least, the secret to why we are the way we are.

"You thought I hated you, but I always thought you hated me," he continued. "I didn't want you hanging around my friends, but whenever I tried talking to you after they left, you shut me out. You cut me off."

I wanted to deny it, but the way he put it into words felt right. I didn't want to be left behind, so I did the leaving. When I sensed something coming along that would disrupt my life, good or bad, I ran. Grayson, the elderly...Corey. I pushed people away before I could get too attached. So I didn't have to watch them leave.

Because that's what people do. When I said that to Corey the other day, I didn't even know why. Now it made sense. A lot of things made sense now. For so long, I told myself Grayson was the reason I didn't get out much. The truth was, he little bubble I created for myself was comfortable, and I wanted it to stay that way.

Parties and a string of exes were Grayson's thing. I was happy with a book and pillow fort. My brother was my excuse to stay in my comfort zone. I didn't have to face my fears if I told myself he wouldn't let me live.

Corey's card was next to me on the bed, the cookies still securely taped down. Everyone was right. I was scared. Scared of wholly putting myself, my love, my everything into something and having it taken away.

Sure, I kept myself protected from heartbreak, but I left myself completely opened to being lonely. Honestly, being alone sounded a hundred times worse.

I picked up the card, turning it over for the song.

Obvious by Ariana Grande

If only it were actually obvious to me before I made a mess of everything. "So you're cool with this?" I asked, holding up the card.

"I don't think I've reached 'cool' yet," he admitted. "But if you're happy, I'll try."

Something akin to relief washed over me. That was a start and I'd take it. "I expected a lot bigger reaction, honestly. All this time, I thought you'd forbid me from seeing Corey."

"The thought crossed my mind. But you didn't see how pathetic Corey looked after he told me and stopped pretending he was fine." My brother stood, heading for the door. "Besides, I'm an adult now. The poster boy for maturity."

I gave him a flat look, pointing to his bear claw slippers. "What? Aunt Nic gave these to me and they're comfortable. You're just mad you didn't get a pair."

After he left my room, I opened Corey's card. This one was different from the rest. Inside was only an address, a date, and a time.

What was he planning?