Branch

Hex

(Sigh) Why do I do this to myself. Just why? As if I can't learn from my own mistakes. Every time I say it won't happen again, lo and behold.

Her.

I swear to Almighty Himself that I wish I wasn't in touch with my emotions. To be so logical. Robotic. Emotions are just hindrances. This particular hindrance though......

I joined campus. Yes, I'm a freshman (now joining second year).

I was so far away from my home. My parents.
Living in another state. But I wasn't afraid of that. Living by my lonesome. Wanting to start a new life apart from my parents ( for which I'm thankful because they raised me right) and spread my wings elsewhere. It did have its hitches but what is life without ups and downs.

So this much is obvious : you'll feel a lot of empty space since your grade school friends decided to move on with their lives and you drifted apart. Nothing serious. It's all normal. And it's also normal to make new friends to fill up where the old ones once were. And to also avoid being a weirdo. So I did what was the protocol. With my coursemates of course. I did eventually make new friends outside of campus grounds but that's beside the point.

I was still afraid to make bold moves since we're not so familiar to each other. Most were in my predicament too. A few were just..... Social from the start. It took time to get acclimated to being around different people. But it sank in, and it was alright.

Then now the once silent class was full of life like any other classes in university. I got to know people. Different tales from different places from different people. Makes me want to travel the world at some time in my life. See what others see and tell them how I see. Anyways......

Then someone caught me off guard. It was early morning so the university was still quiet. I was making my way to an empty classroom until I met a girl whose face is familiar in my class. I said hi to her and she did the same. We introduced ourselves and she went off to do whatever she was going to do while I stuck with my main goal. I did however keep a mental note to remember her name.

Boy, was that a mistake.

The once empty classroom became full. And I couldn't keep my eyes off her. Analysing her, studying how she interacts with others, her friends and coursemates. Initially, I thought she was just another existing good soul.

Evolution.

I later came to see she is smart. Book smart. And oh was she so nonchalant with it too. Meanwhile I struggle to keep up with what the lecturer teaches, she somehow has a grasp. Sure, there are others who are good with learning gibberish, but the way she does it, she made it seem so easy. I would usually go to her for aid in school work. God Bless her intelligence.

Evolution.

I befriended her. She was a kind heart. Which is rare to find (for me). She loved watching series like Riverdale and stuff like that (which is so cringe to me). Also an avid lover of novels. The chicklit kind. (I like them too but non fiction is all the trope for me). So we had some things in common. She also had a bit of a similar world view to mine.

Then it's where it went off the deep end.

I wanted to know what was going on in her life. In every class Id like to sit close to her presence. If she missed a class, I'd feel.... Kinda low. I'd feel something - I didn't know what, but it was something - whenever we parted ways from uni.

It even went deeper than that.

I analysed every aspect of her. Her slim feminine figure. Her arcing back to her curvy waistline. Her long and beautiful legs. Her height (she had a few inches over me).The face symmetry. Her smile, her laugh. Those eyes, full of life and vigor. (She wore glasses from time to time)

She was a constant thought at one point in my time. I even fooled myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe she was thinking of me.

Then it hit me. I'm infatuated. Again.

Like she put a hex over me. Because I've had infatuations before. It's normal to have a crush on someone. But having a crush on someone caused me to do some things that made me hurt. I'd rather not talk about my past infatuations. This ain't that time.

It veered so far off the deep end to the Mariana trench.

I. Want. You.

That was my thoughts of her then. I wanted her. To be mine. To have nonsensical adventures with her. Share the ups and downs of life. Love her and cherish her. Adore and admire the beauty that she is. To be her dark knight. I knew that it would never be, but to entertain that thought was all I could do. She gave what was my dark and harsh look on life a bit of light and laughter. Okay, okay, a bit of lustful thoughts were coupled in there too, but I didn't see her like that. She was a good soul. A complement to my darkening one.

Then the reality hit me.

The way she was so full of life. It wasn't only towards me. It was her nature.

She was just being friendly.

And she was with everyone. That's not a bad thing. I'm fact it's rare to see that with people. What I meant was I mistook her being friendly to me, for her being caring towards me.

It really hit home when I saw that she had no reciprocated feelings for me. She didn't say it herself but I could tell. Plus it didn't help that I knew the reality of a young man in his 20s. That no girl wants me right now. Not yet. Not in the state that I'm in.

So just like that, I knew I never had a ghost of a chance. And all that fantasy I made up made it even worse.

Again, I shot myself on the foot. The third time in my 20 years of living. I was lucky too, that my crush did not mutate into an obsession over her. Though the infatuation dies down, those feelings I harbored towards her won't fade as easily. That is what hurts the most.

Again, why do I do this to myself?

But it is what it is.

It is what being human is. (Even if I do hate being so human sometimes)

Hope though is not lost. I know that one day, the right girl will show. For now, let me do what is meant to be done ; to be the best version of myself there is.

"Marco?" Someone snapped me out of my reverie.

"You coming or what?" She was rushing me so as she'd have a walking partner.

"Go ahead. I'm right behind you." I watched her back face towards me as she walked on.

'Oh Star, if only......'

I raced towards her as we left the university gates.

If only.......