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pain

Have you ever felt so much pain just by seeing someone smile? The pain that is equivalent if not greater than ...... Maybe getting rocked by a punch, watching your favorite character in a movie die, or getting kicked in your balls?

Okay,the latter is way worse though.

Her adorable smile when she talks animatedly, her cute laugh whenever I made a funny comment, her soft voice that made me feel so many damn butterflies whenever she echoed my name.

I was so infatuated by her intoxicating presence. I could really never say it out loud, that I wanted her more than I would want a chilly glass of water in the desert. Every damn thought I had of her just made me want her all the more. She brought so much vibrance and color to my dark and grim life. Her perspective of the world contrasted to that of mine, yet it filled the gaps of the missing pieces of my world almost too perfectly. I believed, or deluded myself that I did the same for her. Her intelligence.....my goodness, I'm at a loss for words. It ain't easy finding a good soul to hold a meaningful (at least to me) conversation for hours on end. Didn't matter what topic, it was fun and nice to have that with her. All that time we had walks talking to each other, enjoying her company and presence. God, I felt like the luckiest person alive.

Yet I was too..... cowardly when it came to tell her that I wanted her. Partly because I fear her rejecting me after all we've been through.
Partly because I don't want to drive her away. I was(and still am) too afraid that she will no longer be in my life. The thoughts I had when I think that she will see me as just a stranger whom.we.shared memories with ........

I could not imagine such a life.

I know I sound pathetic. But tell me this, do you wish for THAT person in your life to see you as no more than another page in his or her life and leave you as a reader leaves one page and onto the next?

But my cowardice came at a cost.....a rather heavy one.

Since I didn't say what was needed to be said, nature took it's course. Time started diminishing what was once a beautiful thing.As it normally does.

That is nature for you .

The time we made for each other to talk about nothing and everything just disappeared. Whenever I shoot her text now takes her minutes if not hours if not a day for her to respond,and it is usually a weak answer. Even in school, I noticed it too. Whenever I ask how she is doing, I normally get a weak answer as well ,then she turns her attention to another. There was one time I wanted to talk to her after class but she quickly left with her friends when I specifically told to wait up for me.

Am I acting rather childish by even being a tad bit angry? YES

It only got worse. Even if I do get the time to talk to her , I now struggle to find something to talk about with her since I observe that her attention ain't even with me at that moment. Before this, we'd just sit down and just talk about anything, giving lecture level attention to what we were saying to each other. It's like having to start all over again. I didn't even bother asking why she became a dry texter out the blue .She'd give me a weak excuse of an answer anyways ,knowing damn well that I knew that her and her phone are very much inseparable .

Them I finally saw why this came to be . Her eyes were entranced by another . Someone who is not me. Another guy in our class. He is smarter than me ,I'll give him that. More handsome looking, easy to the eyes of many and an overall good guy. I couldn't even bring myself to hate him because he is an upstanding joe. Hell,I can't even blame Star . Who wouldn't go for him?

I was as hurt when I saw how much she was trying to court his attention by giving away her own . It all clicked when I saw how she looked at him. With eyes full of gleam . Eyes that I wished she looked at me with. I knew ,from that moment on,that I will never have a ghost of a chance with her , now or ever again. There is no point in waiting either . If she wanted me ,Marco Diaz , she would've given me the hint. But none came my way. Though I did see that she was dropping a whole lot of them when it came to him. She wasn't even being that sneaky either with them too.

My heart shattered. The girl that I've been crushing on for months on end. The one of the few people I related to the most in any way, has her eyes set on another.

Sadly, I had no choice but to let it all go. All of it. My memories of me fawning over the beauty that she is . The "Oh I wish you were....." that I kept telling myself.

The price of cowardice.

And no . No amount of "It is what it is" will make me easily move on from her. Yet,move on is what I must do. Why water a dead plant? It won't be a tree ,no matter what you think it to be.

That is why I feel so much pain whenever I see her smile at me. Seeing her like that feels like a bullet straight to the heart. It breaks me everytime I see her happy with the other . Yet I know I have to swallow the bitter truth and accept the simple fact that she is not ,and never will be mine to love and treasure. Now I'm left with the distasteful tang of loss and heartbreak. And pain. Lots of pain.