Just to the Ceiling

2. Jasper

My mom keeps telling me to write a journal. She says " You should. Keep yourself on track. Know what you did and when. Write about your feelings because even though your 'a boy' doesn't mean you don't have them."
Then when I don't say anything she goes on again with "When you were a boy you did. You should again."
I wasn't going to but today in Freshman English we all went up and presented on journals. Records of things.
Everyone said "Journals should be kept so we can talk about how we feel..... blah blah."
Or
" Journals shouldn't be kept because ' basically they are stupid."
Other than this one girl. I don't remember what her name was because I wasn't paying any attention until she actually talked about the journals. She said
    " It doesn't really matter whether or not we think journals should or should not be kept. There going to be written anyways. Whether it's for your 'feelings' or for record of events in time that might be important in a hundred years. I keep a journal. Not everyday because what's the point. I don't do anything interesting. But when something big happens. Or if there's something I want to remember."
    Then she went back to her seat and I completely agreed with her.
    Today I asked my mom for the journal she was pushing onto me and that is what I wrote.
         Bye journal. Write you next time.

    Looks like I'm writing again. Nothing interesting happened for like 3 weeks. I have decided I will not say the date because half of the time I don't even know the date. I will give the season and relate it to the time of school.
    What happened today was I finally remembered to find the girls name. The girl from last time. Her name is July. It's a bit weird because I don't know her but she inspired me. I don't know.
    This week has been a bit rough. My grades dropped in English and in an elective and for some reason I just don't get IED (introduction to engineering and design) so from the beginning of the school year all the way to now, I have had a C in that class. It's bringing my GPA down. A lot. July is in almost all of my classes as well.
    I am a little worried that I won't be able to play Basketball for the winter because of my grades. I told my parents about my grades and my dad said " just try not to get any worse."
    My mom said " if you need any help just ask me. Oh, is there a homework club at school. You should do that, even for just a couple of days."
    I thanked them and came up here to write. We are having some type of pasta today. I also need to talk to my dad about gaining some weight for football later tonight.
                Write you again,
                             Jasper

    I did that study club. My grades are up but now my algebra grade is down.
    July doesn't talk much and she sits alone at lunch. Well, I don't have lunch at the same time but Ickes does and one of the boys went up to her and talked to her. Apparently even when people go up to her and ask if she wants to sit with them she declines.
    It's almost winter break and there's still no snow but it is very crispy outside. I don't think July has a phone.
                     I wonder if anything actually interesting will happen. Cuz' this journal is feeling a bit bored from all my accounts.
     Bye.

    I've spent half of winter break with a buddy of mine. He's one year older and drives. My parents know him and his parents. We went to a cabin with a few other guys and we all went 'hunting'. We swam in the cold river and it finally started snowing yesterday. I've been high for most of the break so I haven't been writing but we're running out of weed. I feel kind sick and all my cloths smell like pot.
    I did bring some money so hopefully I'll be able to wash all my clothes at a laundry mat before going home.
    I don't remember why I started smoking but I remember it was towards the end of seventh grade before I walked home when I started.
    I told a cousin, Mandy, that I was really stressed about school and getting a job. I was close to failing all my classes and in advisory we were talking about college and careers. I wasn't ready and I'm still not. I shouldn't have trusted Mandy. He was in high school and "going down the wrong path" as all my family had told me but I was just a kid and I didn't like feeling stupid and useless.
    I think I'm still in the beginning of addiction, it hasn't caught me by the soul yet but after this week I think it'll come soon and I really don't want that.
    Mandy died a little over a year ago. Everyone was sad he was gone but only for a couple days. After the funeral everyone talked bad about him. I don't want to be talked bad about after I die. I don't want to die and not like Mandy. He was a nice guy but he really did gi down the wrong path and started me on the same one.
               Bye.

    I was able to wash my cloths. My parents still don't know I smoke.
    July's hair is longer now. Before break it reached her mid back and now it's towards her tailbone. I guess that's what time away does to you. Her face looks clearer too. Some how. To me I think she looks more open. I don't think anyone realizes she's any different. I don't think anyone notices her at all. Her hair is a bit frizzy and she has always had split ends. Her hair looks like it has a million flyaways where almost every other girl has smooth hair wether it's curly or straight. Her face is a bit off as well.
    She kind of always looks disheveled or like she's lived in the streets. Like she's been on some really hard core drugs for a small amount of time. She never wears make up. And almost always wears the same coat. Every day, all day long. Except during Fitness.
     I don't have it with her but I've seen her in a video while she was running in the background. She looked happy talking to another girl while running, she wasn't struggling at all but she was running kind of fast. The other girl was struggling to keep up so July slowed down.
     I think I've talked about July a bit too much in these entries. Maybe one day I'll actually know her. But why should I care.
               Bye.

    It's been a while. Nothing happened and spring break has already passed.
    In advisory we are still talking about college and careers. Thinking about it, all I can say is that I want to live well and have kids that have everything that need and most of what they want. I want to smoke pot but not too much. I want to be close with my parents and my two brothers.
    I don't want kids for just me. I want them for my parents because they want grandkids. Hopefully they'll have a great mom and I'll be an okay dad. Maybe as good as mine.
    Some girls are starting to pay attention to me in the 'get-together' way and I'm half tempted. But I've known them basically all my life and it feels strange. Red Crest is not very big and I don't really know anyone who doesn't live here.
    I am slightly stressed out about the 'great mom' thing now but I'm a little high right now so it just kinda came out. Maybe that's something that I really worry about but push down really far. I'm kinda tired of weed but I don't know how to stop. Hopefully I don't do anything worse. Maybe I should talk to someone.
               Bye.

   Maybe someone will see me and just know that I need help.
                Maybe someone will see me.

          Maybe someone will help.