Moonage Daydream [Stand-alone vers]

"Worked Out"

A couple days after that night, Sirius had seen Remus and James having a very tense conversation in the hall. He'd frozen, clinging to the wall and hoping neither of them had seen him. He could ask Remus about it another time—

Upon his later investigation, Remus told him they'd worked things out— Easy as that.. But he sounded frayed as he said it and Sirius wasn't convinced..
The weeks moved on and Sirius was acutely aware of all the things that hadn't been "worked out."
Peter barely talked when Remus was around, mostly keeping to himself whenever they were caught in the same room. He and James both were trying hard to be discreet about the fact that they refused to change in front of Remus, but failing. It seemed Sirius was always walking in on them whispering to each other in the common room. They'd sit up straight when they noticed him, tight smiles tugging at their lips. It made him feel nauseous...
Remus noticed these things too of course. His face wasn't exactly telltale of how he was feeling generally speaking, but Sirius knew it well. Every freckle, scar, and dimple memorized— So whenever he caught Remus's miserable eyes watching James and Peter's retreating backs, he felt a burning in his own chest.

The weeks went on like that, James with Peter and Sirius with Remus. Sirius always wished for more time spent alone with Remus, but not like this... The boy had almost gone mute— He talked in classes and when spoken to, but nothing more than he needed.
Remus had never been chatty like him and James; Someone else might not have noticed the change, but Sirius could feel the absence like a hole in his chest. It felt unnatural.
James was acting weird too— He'd started picking on Snape again. More than usual.. Sirius wouldn't have paid any mind normally— So long as Reg was out of the equation, that slime deserved everything coming to him. It was more to do with the reason he was doing it that bothered Sirius. James knew Sirius would gladly hold Snape's arms while he hit, no questions asked— In fact he'd done it plenty of times before. But Remus was different. James knew Remus was close with Lily in a way none of the rest of them were. Remus never shied away from poking fun, but he didn't usually approve of actually hurting Snape. That meant James was, whether he was aware of it or not, keeping Remus at arms length without actually asking him to stay away.
None of this struck Sirius as "worked out."

It was all messy and horrible and Sirius felt shakier these days. He couldn't tell if it was anger or fear or something else entirely. All he knew was that it got worse when James was around.
That had never happened before. James was always a safe place for him. Always had been anyways— He could be hotheaded or annoying, but Sirius had never seen him so— Mean.
It was as though Remus was part of the enemy in his mind now and Sirius, by association, toed the line. Sirius couldn't help but wonder what James might say if he knew— It made him sick to think about. He'd sit in bed at night, flexing his fingers, twisting and untwisting his bedsheets, thinking about the way James had called Remus 'queer.'
Sirius had heard people call themselves queer before. They said it defiantly like it was something they were proud of— Or at least like they were learning to be proud of it. Sirius wished he could be like that– He was impressed that Remus could even stomach saying it out loud.
He'd gone to some muggle shows in recent years. More underground ones where the crowds were much less clean cut. He remembered being fourteen and watching an older guy with his boyfriend. Sirius had just watched them dancing and screaming and holding onto each other and all he could think was how he'd kill for that. Even for just a night.
But he couldn't say it; Because he knew how James had meant it— And because if he said it it had to be real and if it was real he had to know how to deal with it. He had to know he'd be able stomach the way James had said 'fag.' He couldn't do that.

______________________

It was late Saturday night and Sirius dragged himself up into the dormitory. James and Peter weren't in the common room so he was surprised to find it silent up there— He loosened his tie, making for his bed, but started when he made eye contact with Remus, sitting in his own four poster.
"Oh hey—" Remus tilted his head, curls getting in his eyes.
"You alright—?" Sirius nodded, sitting down and waving a hand.
"Fine. It was just dark, I didn't know you were up here." Remus nodded, pursing his lips and lying back against his pillows.
"I had a killer headache this afternoon so I was trying to just sleep it off." Sirius nodded, fidgeting with a tear in the outer seam of his pants. There was a silence where Remus swallowed, eyes wandering around. Then he cleared his throat. "So um— I'm just gonna assume James and Peter aren't coming with on Tuesday.." Another pause. "Anyways.. If you don't want to—" Sirius looked up, trying to make sense of the sentence. Tuesday.. What were they doing Tuesday—?
Remus broke eye contact, glancing out the window and Sirius's own eyes closed.
Shit, of course— Moon.
Sirius shook his head hurriedly.
"No, I'll come." When he opened his eyes again, Remus looked uncertain.
"I don't know if that's a good idea.." Sirius's fingers twitched against his own leg in hesitation before reaching out. His hand rested on Remus's knee.
"I'm coming."
The other boy looked like he wanted to argue, but didn't. Instead, he nodded, a weak smile on his lips. Sirius smiled back, giving Remus's knee a squeeze before drawing his hand back.

He knew better than the others how Remus got on his bad moons— Sirius wasn't letting that happen on his watch. He'd be there.