Chapter 24
Easier
"Ida. . . Si Boaz. . ." Agnes trails off.
Nakatitig ako sa langit. Gabi na. Walang kahit isang bituin o mga ulap. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.
Pinaglalaruan na naman ako ng langit. It's like it's mocking the emptiness I'm feeling. Or maybe I am misunderstanding it. Siguro, gusto lang akong damayan ng langit. To make me feel that I am not the only one who's empty.
"Nakita ko ang mga pictures. Kung hindi mo siya gustong makita hindi ko siya paaakyatin dito. Sinubukan ko namang sabihin sa kaniyang sa susunod na lang pero mukhang gusto niya talagang makausap ka," ani Agnes.
Hindi ako nagsalita.
"Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba ang sinasabi ng mga tao. Nagagalit ako kay Boaz. Ngayon pa talaga kung kailan. . ." Bumuntonghininga si Agnes. "I can't believe that he can do this to you. . ."
"You cannot believe it because you know it's not true," I say.
Natahimik si Agnes at napatitig sa akin. Para bang hindi niya inaasahang magsasalita ako.
"He didn't cheat on you," she mumbles after a while. It's not a question.
Natahimik kaming dalawa pero nagsalita rin siya makalipas ang ilang minuto.
"Gusto mo ba siyang makausap?"
Nanatili akong nakatanaw sa malayo. "Tell him to come tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight."
Bumuntonghininga si Agnes pero wala na siyang sinabi pa. Agad siyang umalis.
Tahimik akong dumiretso sa kama at humiga roon. I stare at the ceiling of the room and wondered if lolo has done this many times in the past. Tinitigan niya rin siguro nang ganito ang kisame ng kwarto niya. Maybe he felt the sadness looming over his heart too.
That's right. I was wrong.
Katulad lang ako ng ibang tao. Sa mga panahong nahihirapan si lolo, ang inisip ko lang ay ang kalagayan ko. I even kept on asking why he was so sad when he still had me. I thought it was ridiculous for him to think that he no longer had reasons to live after lola died. I can't believe he endured this many years with a broken heart.
Dahil ba sa akin? Kaya tiniis niya ang mahabang panahong dala-dala ang sakit ng pagkawala ni lola?
All these years, I have been giving lolo the burden of staying with me. Ni hindi siya nagalit o nagreklamo. Ni hindi niya sinabi sa aking makasarili ako. I belittled the pain he felt. I am just like everybody else. I am just like my mother. Maybe I don't really take after Idris Zavala. I probably have taken after my mother.
Selfish. All I think about is myself. I didn't understand lolo's feelings. All I have ever been was controlling. Bumuhos ang mga luha ko. I did not only do it with lolo. I am still doing it with Boaz. I have been controlling a lot of people with my selfish whims.
In truth, Boaz won't be experiencing all of these if it wasn't for me. I shouldn't have let my curiosity take control. I should have just let Boaz learn what he needs to on his own. Hindi ko na dapat ginulo pa ang mundo niya.
Nasaktan siya noon sa nangyari sa kaniya at inulit ko lang iyon ngayon. Sinaktan ko lang ulit si Boaz. I have let the people scorn him just as they did in the past. Gusto kong protektahan siya pero lalo lang siyang nasaktan.
He should just leave me. He should just live his own life. He should not worry about me. He should not waste his time with someone like me.
Iyon ang nasa isipan ko kinabukasan. Nang nasa harapan ko na si Boaz, wala akong ibang maisip kundi iyon. Nakakatawa na para bang mundo na ang nagbigay ng dahilan sa akin para pakawalan siya.
