Chapter 25
Hope and Misery
It's been a couple of years since and I probably lived as though I am walking on a runway with my eyes closed. My life has been as empty as my eyes look. My paintings have been as cold, as lonely, and as meaningless as my life has been. After graduating college, I spent two years trying to make myself better.
People say that the eyes are the windows to one's soul. They probably see nothing in my eyes—just like how I feel. Soulless. Lifeless.
Whenever I look in the mirror, I get reminded of how my lolo's eyes always looked. It's unfair that the recent memory I had of him is his miserable life. Ni hindi ko man lang nakita nang matagal na masaya siya. All my life, I just had my eyes looking up at him. Ngayong wala na siya, sino pa ang titingalain ko sa langit? No one. He's not with me anymore. He left me.
Artists say that feelings are the best medium for a masterpiece. It may have caused the feeling of emptiness people feel when looking at my paintings. They yearned for it. My paintings gained recognition more than how they did before.
Ipinagpatuloy ko pa rin ang pagpinta. Sa tuwing nagpipinta, pakiramdam ko, nailalabas ko ang mga bagay na hindi ko masabi at mga bagay na ni ako, hindi ko alam tungkol sa sarili ko. Noong una, akala ko, mawawalan na rin ako ng gana roon. Minahal ko ang pagpipinta dahil kay lolo. Nang mawala siya, akala ko, mawawala na ang pagmamahal na iyon. But I had nowhere to go. I had no one to hold on to. What was left were my brushes, paints, and blank canvases. Pinili kong magpinta ulit.
Tahimik ang buong mansyon—just like how it always has been. Pero mas malamig ang pakiramdam ng buong mansyong ito kaysa noon.
"It's cold. . . lonely," si Agnes habang pinagmamasdan ang mga paintings na natapos ko na at nakalagay sa mga easels sa gitna ng studio ng mansyon. Nakaupo lang ako stool habang tinititigan iyon. "Just like the painter herself."
I don't react.
"It's black and white too," dagdag niya.
"I used different shades of black and white, Agnes," I say, matter-of-factly.
I know she's just trying to add more comments. Alam ko namang wala talaga siyang interes sa mga ganito.
"Okay! Sorry! Nursing ang tinapos ko, okay? Why did you even get me as your manager?" aniya pero tumawa naman. "I love this job. I am sure this painting will sell well. Nakikita mo ba ang mga mata ko?"
Ipinakita niya sa akin ang mga namumula at naluluha niyang mga mata. I stare at her and I almost roll my eyes. Tinalikuran ko siya at naglakad na papalapit sa isa pang canvas na tinatapos.
"You still have to go to the fashion week, you know?" aniya at humalukipkip sa tabi ko habang pinapanood akong nagpipinta.
"I won't go this year."
Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. "Ha? Bakit? People are expecting you to be there!"
Hindi ako nagsalita kaya naman humalukipkip siya at hinuli ang tingin ko. She widens her eyes at me.
"Just accept projects I can do here. I don't want to go out of the country."
"Is that what you really want?" tanong niya. "You know that Rinnah expects you to be there on the seats watching her walk on the runway, right? With Hiel, of course. And your other friends."
"Rinnah will understand."
Napaangat na lang ang mga kamay ni Agnes sa hangin dahil alam niyang hindi na siya makakaangal pa.
